In Grief: When Healing Is Mistaken for Letting Go

I desire no future that will break the ties of the past.  ~ George Eliot

A reader writes: I have been told several times by people to "let go" of my ex who has died. I hate that.

I was told by a counselor once to "let him go," and this counselor (a spiritual counselor) said I was holding his spirit back by hanging on to my grief. I began to feel guilty, and decided I wouldn't think about him or talk aloud to him any more, if I was holding him back from moving on into heaven. That very night I had a dream. He and I were riding in a car with my sisters, and he had his arm around me. He turned to me and said very clearly, "We belong together. Why do you listen to others tell you things you know are not true?"

Struggling With Acceptance and "Letting Go" in Grief

The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.  ~ Steve Maraboli

A reader writes: I send you a letter, asking for guidance and help, my father passed away two months ago, and it's very hard to accept that he is gone, my mom is angry and sad, can you help us.

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 14 - January 27, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

There is a rising tide of positivity around the new year that can feel difficult for those suffering. Ambitious goals and resolutions can exacerbate discouragement or grief. An alternative approach is to focus on ways to steady and support yourself. How to Approach 2024 if Heavy-Hearted or Grief-Stricken « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 28 - April 3, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

My suffering feels irrelevant at times; so many other people around the entire world are experiencing the same struggles, or even worse struggles than my own. With that being said, we need to acknowledge the sheer magnitude of what we’ve been through.  A Grief Unobserved « The University News

Caregiving & Grief, July 26 - August 1, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

In the absence of rituals surrounding the dying — such as visiting the bedside, viewing the body and having a funeral — the picture of the experience has been rapidly transformed.  How Coronavirus Complicates the Grieving Process « Pain Medicine News

Pet Loss: Why Surrender An Animal To A Shelter?

To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.  ~Jack Kornfield

A reader writes: I have read that pet illness is one of the main reasons why owners decide to surrender their animal to a shelter. Can you provide any insight as to what it takes for an owner to get to that point? Are these owners less committed than other owners? Have fewer resources? One article recommended "defining your priorities and setting realistic goals". How can  a pet caretaker do this, in specific terms?

Caregiving, Grief & Pet Loss, September 29 - October 5, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Drawing on her own experience, JaneRVN explores the issue of taking time off when grieving for a pet, and how knowing yourself can help. Grief is Grief, https://j.mp/2OoMMhk « Vet Times 

When graveyards are the place your kids visit their dad, how do you reconcile a season full of plastic headstones and scary places? When Halloween is Real: Plastic Skulls and Real Cemeteries, https://j.mp/2LIYnWG « Refuge In Grief

My husband died six months ago today and today I found comfort in some simple little rituals that brought me closer to him. Mourning Rituals for 6 Months, https://j.mp/30JDQFE « The Artful Caregiver

Voices of Experience: A Glimpse of Life After Loss

By Sharon McCuistian

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~ Havelock Ellis

After the sudden, unexpected death of her husband, Sharon Ellis McCuistian found herself a widow at the age of 48. With two grown children in college, Sharon had to find a way to live in her new reality. She turned to the things she loved to help in her journey through grief: faith, family, friends, and her love of words. Writing became the cathartic venue by which she began to process her loss. That writing grew into her blog, Now Choose Life, where the following post first appeared. It is reprinted here with her permission.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 3 - February 9, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

How Does Opening Up Conversations About Death Help Bereaved Parents? http://j.mp/2IfSIYz « Seven Ponds Blog

Why It’s OK for Your Loved One to Stop Eating and Drinking on Hospice, http://j.mp/2DhyQya « Crossroads Hospice and Palliative Care

Grief Tracking: What A Difference A Dot Makes, http://j.mp/2Gd8uBj « Grieve Well

In Grief: Refusing to Let Go

A reader writes: I have been told several times by people to "let go" of my ex who has died. I hate that.

I was told by a counselor once to "let him go," and this counselor (a spiritual counselor) said I was holding his spirit back by hanging on to my grief. I began to feel guilty, and decided I wouldn't think about him or talk aloud to him any more, if I was holding him back from moving on into heaven. That very night I had a dream. He and I were riding in a car with my sisters, and he had his arm around me. He turned to me and said very clearly, "We belong together. Why do you listen to others tell you things you know are not true?"

So from that time on, I ignored anyone who told me to move on, or let go. I believe I AM moving on, however slowly and at my own pace, and I am taking my changed relationship with my former husband WITH me as I move on. I know his spirit watches over me, and that he will be there when it is my time to cross over. I know I can fall in love again, if that is what is in the cards for me, and that will not take away from my love for my first love. I have never said goodbye to him, and I never will -- at most, "see you later." Read on here: In Grief: When Healing Is Mistaken for Letting Go

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 4 - November 10, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Why do we give dogs a better death than we give ourselves? http://j.mp/2ATheZJ « Aeon Essays

The Existential Crisis of Grief, http://j.mp/2JM38vS « Grief Compass

Finding H O P E at Camp Widow, http://j.mp/2APf50R « Soaring Spirits International

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 17 - June 23, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

A Familiar Stranger, http://j.mp/2yzAb4n « Bryan C. Taylor

Opinion | The Example of Charles Krauthammer, http://bit.ly/2yvJ4Mp « The New York Times

My Father Always Wanted to Die with Dignity. But When His Time Came, I Couldn’t Let Him Go. http://j.mp/2ttUIl1 « Narratively

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 20 - May 26, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

MemorialDay: The Story Of A Hero Son, A Dad's Grief And A Hit Song, http://j.mp/2INZ558 « Newsweek

The Need for Self-Compassion in Grief, http://j.mp/2ILeHWY « What's Your Grief ?

My Name is Grief, http://j.mp/2IMY60X  « Bryan C. Taylor

In Grief: When the Pain of Loss Won’t Go Away

[Reviewed and updated August 10, 2023]

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.  ~ Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

A reader writes: I wrote to you some time ago regarding a friend who had died by suicide. It's been two years now, and the pain is still just as strong now as it was when I first wrote to you. I've tried talking to family and friends. I've heard that talking about it will help ease the pain. Well, it doesn't. It makes me hurt that much more.

Caregiving and Hospice, January 15 - January 21, 2017

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Dying Don’t Need Your Permission to Let Go, http://bit.ly/2iL8LjV « Pallimed 

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Coping with Pet Loss, December 4 - December 10, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

God Squad: Being able to let go is allowing God’s will to become real, http://bit.ly/2hyk2ic « The News and Observer

Grieving for a Pet During the Holidays, http://bit.ly/2h634uR « NC State Veterinary Medicine

A Reality Check Concerning Christmas Puppies, http://bit.ly/2gU3kKJ « Spot Speaks

Coping with Pet Loss, November 20 - November 26, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Do Dogs Grieve Over the Loss of an Animal Companion? http://bit.ly/2f124s3 « Psychology Today

Veterinarian provides in-home hospice care for pets, http://bit.ly/2garUaC « Las Vegas Review-Journal

Guidelines for Veterinary Hospice Care, http://bit.ly/2fgHi6f « AVMA

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.

If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 7 - August 13, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

I'm Not Moving On From. I'm Moving On With. http://j.mp/2aSrlks « The Huffington Post

Not So Fast... Thank You, http://j.mp/2aJv8PM « Grief Watch

Revolutionary Act: Choosing Love When Death is All Around, http://j.mp/2aQrBxS « Open to Hope

Caregiving and Hospice, April 10 - April 23, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream:

A Love Letter – “You Are The Light of Hospice,” http://j.mp/1P9oiAD « Hospice Times

Podcast: Using the Independent Death Doula in Healthcare, http://j.mp/1T3nQ6f « Hospice Times

Your anger towards doctors is misplaced, http://j.mp/214f65Z « Kevin MD

Pet Loss: The Pain of Relinquishment

[Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. ~ Ann Landers

A reader writes: I have had lots of animals all my life, raised English setters and had lots of cats and farm animals. I am in the process of selling our farm, my husband retiring and we will be moving to a different area. We realized that we could not take our pets with us.