In Grief: When Healing Is Mistaken for Letting Go

I desire no future that will break the ties of the past.  ~ George Eliot

A reader writes: I have been told several times by people to "let go" of my ex who has died. I hate that.

I was told by a counselor once to "let him go," and this counselor (a spiritual counselor) said I was holding his spirit back by hanging on to my grief. I began to feel guilty, and decided I wouldn't think about him or talk aloud to him any more, if I was holding him back from moving on into heaven. That very night I had a dream. He and I were riding in a car with my sisters, and he had his arm around me. He turned to me and said very clearly, "We belong together. Why do you listen to others tell you things you know are not true?"

In Grief: Feeling Pressured to "Move On"

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.  ~ Robert Frost

A reader writes: I was married to a wonderful man for 26 years. At the age of 45 he suffered a massive heart attack and was given a life expectancy of two to five years, but with pacemakers, meds, and various procedures, he was able to be with us another ten years. They were not always easy years, as illness does not bring out the best in any of us. Nevertheless, we fell back in love and had the opportunity and blessing of this past year. We grew very close and he was my best friend. We have a grown son that my husband cherished. My question is this: Why after only six weeks do others think my son needs to move on?????

In Grief: How Can I Go On?

You never really stop missing someone — you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel

A reader writes: I am so lost. My mother-in-law died a week ago. I loved her so much. She was wonderful with my children (I have four) and she raised a wonderful son. I am grateful to her for all she added to my life. For the last decade I spent time with her nearly every day. I looked forward to seeing her after taking my children to school, enjoying a cup of coffee and her company. We seldom had conversations about anything beyond the family. She offered me advice when I asked for it but never butted in or criticized. I miss her so much.

Taking Time to Mourn a Mother's Death

[Reviewed and updated June 21, 2021]

A reader writes: I just lost my Mom three weeks ago. She had cancer which spread to her brain. The last year of her life was one of pain initially and then side effects from the chemo and radiation. During the last few months she also became confused due to the tumor pressing on her brain. We were able to bring her home with us during the last 12 days of her life with the help of hospice, which was wonderful . 

This past year has been a very trying one for our family. Now that she is gone, I just want to be left alone. My husband, children and sister have been a great support and I need them around me. However, I feel as if others expect me to move on immediately. My dad and his wife were scheduled to come in to visit (they live in another state) about ten days after my mother’s death, and I asked them to postpone it because I wasn't up to it. He took it personally and I found myself comforting him because I hurt his feelings. He has postponed it for only a week later.

Feeling Pressured to "Move On" in Grief

A reader writes: I was married to a wonderful man for 26 years. At the age of 45 he suffered a massive heart attack and was given a life expectancy of two to five years, but with pacemakers, meds, and various procedures, he was able to be with us another ten years. They were not always easy years, as illness does not bring out the best in any of us. Nevertheless, we fell back in love and had the opportunity and blessing of this past year. We grew very close and he was my best friend. We have a grown son that my husband cherished. My question is this: Why after only six weeks do others think my son needs to move on????? 

I'm not usually one to get upset at my dad, but today I shared with him that my son had a sad day yesterday. His response was that he would "have a talk with him about moving on." I am so angry right now. Why can't people educate themselves on the grief process and understand if we don't deal with it now, it could cause problems in the future? I tried to help my dad understand, but no way can you win with him. I love him dearly, but he has no clue. My son is going out as usual, and he just left for a holiday with friends. So what if he has a bad or sad day? His dad was his best friend as well as his father! Another reason for me to really think about moving as far as I can get from here once a year has passed. Sorry, but I just needed to vent.  Read on here: In Grief: Feeling Pressured to "Move On"