After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

Supporting a Survivor of Homicide Loss

Spend 24 hours in my shoes as a victim of gun violence and I guarantee you will never look at guns the same way again.  ~ Bill Jenkins

A reader writes: I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I can't figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same.

I started a blog dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women (or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle. I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully writing to you can help, but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 19 - September 25, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Tony Falzano: For all those that have lost a loved one especially during the last 18 months. May you find comfort in this short, music video produced by The Caring Music Group. Grief Song: You're With Me Now « YouTube

Childhood Sexual Abuse, Mom’s Murder Complicate A Daughter’s Grief

[Reviewed and updated July 24, 2022]

If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn.  ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A reader writes: My Mom was murdered a year ago. She was poisoned by my father....so not only did I lose my Mom, I lost my father as well... As one could imagine, I am not dealing with reality very well. I have and still am going through counseling on a weekly basis but the pain, rage, and guilt is still very much a part of my daily life.... there have been no arrests by the police... they tell me it is one thing to know he killed her but another thing to prove it..... he fed her fatal doses of anti-freeze over time... she died a very painful death....

Caregiving & Grief Tweets, August 4 - August 10, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"One Lone Tear", Dementia at End of Life, https://j.mp/2ZUkcqE « BK Books

How to deal with grief, pain and anxiety after the mass shootings,  https://j.mp/2YRtczG « Today

In Grief: Mourning The Murder of An Abusive Father, https://j.mp/2Zzh7MK « Grief Healing

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

In Grief: Mourning The Murder of An Abusive Father

[Reviewed and updated December 3, 2024]

A girl’s first true love is her father.  ~ Marisol Santiago

A reader writes: My eccentric father was murdered in January. I can't deny that he was an angry, abusive person, but I also knew he loved me. I learned to draw boundaries with him and we developed a deep connection in the past few years as I helped care for him. My family is worried/angry because they don't think I should be so "upset" by his murder. Of course, I understand what they mean, but I was closer to him than they were and I was able to forgive him, mostly. At least I was able to forgive him enough that I could see the wonderful, amazing things about him, too. And anyway, I can't help or deny how I feel! So I am trying to keep this part of myself hidden from my mom and siblings, mostly to spare myself the annoyance caused by their well-meaning interventions.

Surviving A Partner’s Homicide

A reader writes: I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I can't figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same.

I started a blog dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women (or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle. I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully writing to you can help, but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent.  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 22 - November 28, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Inspiring: To the Boy Who Has My Daughter’s Heart, http://j.mp/1XrWsBE « Alive in Memory

Updated: Coping With The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2015, http://j.mp/1YcZLyP « Grief Healing

Updated: Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief, http://bit.ly/hkoXnZ « Grief Healing

Caregiving and Hospice, February 1 - February 7, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The line between comfort care and murder, http://j.mp/16Dlw59 « Kevin MD

8 Factors Experts Use To Identify The Best Care For a Loved One, http://j.mp/1unVcH6 « The Caregiver Partnership

Have You Lost That Lovin’ Feeling? http://j.mp/1zsEw1w « The Intentional Caregiver

Surviving A Child's Homicide

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18. His mother and I were divorced when he was very young. At that time it was heart- breaking, knowing I would only see my son every other weekend. The years went by ever so quickly. Then he reached the tender teenage years and it seemed I lost control. My son was changing for the worst and there was nothing I could do to stop it. His mother and I had lost communication years prior. Those were years of lies and holding back vital information of my son’s dealings. Making a long story short, my son was dealing marijuana. When his life was taken, my life as I once knew it ceased to exist. Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 21 - September 27, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Jewish Mourning Tradition of Shiva, http://j.mp/1yuyQFg « SevenPonds Blog

National Day of Remembrance for Murder Victims, http://j.mp/YnakFi « Grief Digest Magazine

Supporting Angry Bereaved Children, http://j.mp/1t33TPY « Kids' Grief Relief