When Support Feels Absent: Finding Comfort After Loss

It sounds obvious, but it wasn’t until I was sitting with a friend (and feeling gloriously understood) that it finally clicked: no man can ever replace your mother.  ~ Anna Pasternak

A reader writes: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning. My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month. I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. Mom lasted 7 months. My precious friend is no longer with me. Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else. I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there. My friends have faded away. You would be surprised how people fade away when someone is thrust into care giving. Even our church turned their backs—no calls, no words of comfort, no nothing. My husband confronted them on this, but still no contact.

I do not understand. What am I doing wrong? My heart is breaking—where do I turn? I want to know it is okay to cry and that I will still be loved. I want to know that I can be distant in my sorrow and I will still be loved—not rejected. Can you help me to understand?

In Grief: Coping with Loneliness and Solitude

Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone. ~ Paul Tillich

If you are among those traveling the winding path of grief, you're probably quite familiar with both these sides of being alone: loneliness and solitude.

With an overwhelming sense of missing the one you love comes the crushing awareness of all that you have lost. You’d give anything to be together again, if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness and to be reassured that your loved one is still a part of your life.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, January 30 - February 5, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

We hold on to love while we can, but sometimes letting someone go is the greatest expression of that love. I'm A Vet Who Helps People Say Goodbye To Their Pets. When My Dog Was Dying, I Couldn't. « HuffPost 

A Brooklyn writer learns to process her grief through her love of art. Welcome to The 'Grief Club' « YouTube

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 5 - December 11, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

I’ve attended vigils and memorials and trials. But nothing brings back the dead. And so we have to learn to live with loss, as impossible as it can feel sometimes. These are some things that ease the pain of grief from someone who’s been there.  People should not run from their grief « The Bona Venture

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 25 - May 1, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Although nothing can replace the love and support of friends or family, sometimes you need to grieve on your own. Here, we take a look at five grief apps that may help you understand death and the emotions you’re experiencing when adapting to life after the loss of a loved one. Five Apps That Can Be Helpful While Grieving « TAP into Westfield

Voices of Experience: Grief and Fear in My Life Today

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by Anne M. Gorman

“Research demonstrates that how we appraise or interpret a situation can influence our physiological response. So one potential option is to shift our mindset. Instead of interpreting the situation as being cut off from others, we can focus on doing this to protect those that we love. When mitigating distressing feelings of loneliness, research has found that mindfulness-based meditation as well as engaging in creative arts and expression may also be effective.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 17 - May 23, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

We can’t visit the dying in hospitals, and we can’t gather for funerals—but technology can lessen the pain. Grief in the Time of COVID-19 «  Scientific American

Caregiving & Grief, May 3 - May 9, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Optimal strategies for helping people develop new rituals to remember those who die during the COVID-19 era: Death, Grief and Funerals in the COVID Age « COVID White Paper

In the midst of a global pandemic, this day might actually feel a bit more aligned with what I want it to be. A Widowed Mother's Day à la COVID-19 « Modern Loss

Caregiving, Hospice & Grief, April 5 - April 11, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

As a culture, we’ve never been great at handling grief . . . And now that families no longer have the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones, have to wait for hospitals to release the remains, and postpone any in-person gatherings for the foreseeable future, it has left many in a suspended state of grief. Processing Grief During a Pandemic, When Nothing Is Normal « Yahoo!

Voices of Experience: Four-Footed Healers Support The Team

by Michael Shannon O’Keefe

Isolation is a natural reaction to depression and grief. If you’re in the depths of depression, it can be hard to pick up the phone and call a friend. If you’ve lost of a loved one, lost your good health, or lost a relationship, you may pull inward and grieve alone.

But just because isolation is natural doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Isolation can create a spiral of despair. Depression and grief cause people to cut themselves off from friends and family, which in turn causes more depression and grief, and so on.

Talk therapy and medications are the standard treatments for these states of mind. Recent research, however, points to another way to help people escape that spiral. It’s been called the pet effect. Simply put, being around animals helps people feel less isolated, depressed, and grief-stricken.

In Grief: Feeling No Support In The Wake of Loss

A reader writes: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning. My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month. I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. Mom lasted 7 months. My precious friend is no longer with me. Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else. I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there. My friends have faded away. You would be surprised how people fade away when someone is thrust into care giving. Even our church turned their backs—no calls, no words of comfort, no nothing. My husband confronted them on this, but still no contact.

I do not understand. What am I doing wrong? My heart is breaking—where do I turn? I want to know it is okay to cry and that I will still be loved. I want to know that I can be distant in my sorrow and I will still be loved—not rejected. Can you help me to understand?  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 9 - February 15, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Griefcase: What Will "They" Say? Ten Tacky Things and Ten Top Things to Say Back, http://j.mp/1jmDJF9 « Griefcase

Film Review: “Rabbit Hole” (2010) by John Cameron Mitchell,  http://j.mp/1gKBhq9 « SevenPonds Blog

Excellent piece: 'You Aren't Here Now: How Grief and Mindfulness Don't Mix,'  http://j.mp/1jmvjxx « HuffPost Healthy Living

Loneliness and Solitude in Grief

Find the latest version of this post here:

In Grief: Coping with Loneliness and Solitude

If you are among those traveling the winding path of grief, you're probably quite familiar with both these sides of being alone: loneliness and solitude.

With an overwhelming sense of missing the one you love comes the crushing awareness of all that you have lost. You’d give anything to be together again, if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness and to be reassured that your loved one is still a part of your life.

At other times you may feel a need for solitude. You’ll want to be by yourself, to get away from other people and withdraw temporarily from the pressures and decisions of daily life. This need to turn inward, to reflect on your loss, to get in touch with your innermost feelings is common and not to be feared. In fact it can be a helpful time for you to find your tears and figure out where you are going from here.