You Can’t Take Away Their Grief, But You Can Be There

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone who is mourning, you are wise to learn more about the grief experience and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that someone who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to reflect on your own experiences of death and grief. Recall who died, what was helpful and unhelpful to you, and how you felt during that time.

If any of the suggestions offered here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem appropriate for you or the person you want to help, simply set them aside and consider the others.

As soon as you learn that a death has occurred, there are several things you can do right away:

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 1 - October 31, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this month:

Grief is a universal experience that touches everyone—from kids to adults. And for fourth grade teacher Ryan Brazil, she used her own recent loss to help educate and open up to her students about grief. She explains what grief is to her students using a vase. Fourth Grade Teacher Explains Grief to Her Students « Upworthy

If ever there is a time when you’re entitled to ignore the rules of etiquette, or a time when immediate thanks is neither expected nor required, it is when you are in mourning.It is perfectly acceptable to express your gratitude for gifts of flowers, donations and other acts of kindness later, when other affairs are in order and when you may feel more up to the task. It is also appropriate to delegate this task to those family members and friends who are willing and able to do it on your behalf. In Grief: On Writing Sympathy Thank-You Notes « Grief Healing

Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

 . . . just as speech is invention about objects and ideas, so myth is invention about truth.  ~ Humphrey Carpenter

Loss is a fact of life, and so are the reactions that follow, but the grief that accompanies significant loss is frequently misunderstood.

Here are some of the more commonly held myths and misconceptions about grief, along with the facts to dispel them:

When someone dies, grief is felt only by that person’s family members and friends. In reality, grief is felt by anyone with an emotional attachment to the deceased, whether we know the person well or not. As we saw with the deaths of Charlie Kirk and Robert Redford, for example, we may mourn for public figures we like or respect and admire, even though we’ve never met them personally.

Grief is what we feel only when our loved one dies. Grief is a normal response to the experience of loss of any kind, including unusual and secondary losses. Such grief often goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. (Examples include disenfranchised losses such as loss of a cherished pet, and losses stemming from major life transitions such as graduation, moving, marriage or divorce, job loss, incarceration, disability or alteration in health status.)

Loss and The Grief of Abandonment

A reader writes: I was recently informed that my mother has died, and I am grieving. My mother left me when I was a little girl. It hurt. I denied it for 40 years. So far I have attended two different bereavement groups. Both are filled with people who are grieving a loved one. I am not. I do not have a string of memories of our times together to talk about: how she taught me how to bake a pie, helped me plan my wedding, helped me through my divorce, paid for college, took care of my kids while I met my second husband, etc. I do not fit into those groups. They are grieving such a beautiful memory that I’m afraid I will poison their precious period of grief if they hear my story of abandonment. I didn’t have a mother to maintain kinship ties with an extended family. I had an evil stepfather who was remote and distant and lied to me about why my mom was gone: “She left you.”  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 18 - February 24, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Whether it’s the diagnosis of an advanced cancer or a non-malignant condition such as dementia, heart failure or Parkinson’s disease, the psychological and emotional process of grief can begin many months or even years before the person dies. This experience of mourning a future loss is known as anticipatory grief. Not all mourning happens after bereavement – for some, grief can start years before the death of a loved one « The Conversation

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 5 - November 11, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

I have lost many loved ones suddenly within the span of just a year—and this new period of my life has felt incredibly strange, confusing and chaotic. I’m used to seeing grief portrayed in movies, TV shows and even video games, but I never quite understood what it felt like to actually grieve. Nothing could have prepared me for the struggles I’ve had to face, especially as an already overwhelmed college student. A year later, though, I’ve decided to give myself the opportunity to finally talk about the realities of grief. If you’re struggling like me, then maybe you can find some comfort in my personal reflections. My journey through grief « The Case Western Reserve Observer

In Grief: Supporting Someone Soon After A Death

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone in mourning, you are wise to do some reading about the grief experience, and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that the person who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to review your own personal experiences of death and grief, recalling who died, what was helpful and not helpful to you, and how you felt about it.

If any of the ideas suggested here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem to suit you or the person(s) you’re wanting to help, then simply ignore them and go on to others.

As soon as you learn that a death has happened, there are several things that you can do right away.  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 26 - October 2, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What happened when one writer met with a medium in an attempt to connect with her Dad, who had died seven years ago. Can a medium cure grief? One writer tried to find out « Yahoo!

After the 18 months we have all experienced, time invested now in reflection can provide rich dividends in our emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical well-being as 2022 begins in only a few months. Lengthening Shadows: Autumn As A Reflective Season « Grief Perspectives

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 25 - May 1, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Although nothing can replace the love and support of friends or family, sometimes you need to grieve on your own. Here, we take a look at five grief apps that may help you understand death and the emotions you’re experiencing when adapting to life after the loss of a loved one. Five Apps That Can Be Helpful While Grieving « TAP into Westfield

Coping with Grief In The Second Year

[Reviewed and updated August 10, 2023]

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.  ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days....for me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy Marty? I have not dreamed of my husband since he went to Heaven, except a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him, no one will say his name and I am trying desperately to understand this all. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him that I did something wrong? I feel that way. My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder and she was so right, am I the only person that feels this way?

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, October 20 - October 26, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Join us for a webinar discussion on when and how medication may be an effective support to help survivors along their grief journey. on December 3, 2019, 12 - 1:30 p.m. Understanding the Role of Medication in Grief Webinar, https://j.mp/2Wat5vs « TAPS Institute

Overwhelming loss can leave us vulnerable and unable to cope. That's why taking care of yourself is so critical. Taming the Grief Monster,  https://j.mp/33Zv5t5 « The Epoch Times

Twenty-four years later, I think about him every day. Every. Single. Day. It is not unpleasant. It is not painful. The scar over the huge chest wound is thin and tenuous, but it holds. This is grief. This is life. https://j.mp/2BDa1wb « Kevin MD

Caregiving & Grief Tweets, September 8 - September 14, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:
 
5 Myths about Grief You May Believe, https://j.mp/2NfrYJ3 « Psychology Today

The NIH just appointed a dentist and a biologist to lead the NINR (National Institute of Nursing Research). Non-nurses aren't qualified to evaluate grants for nursing research! Please join in asking the NIH to recall these two appointments and appoint nurses now, https://j.mp/2UQ6CDe « The Truth About Nursing

Chasing My Cure: A Doctor's Race to Turn Hope into Action: After nearly dying five times, a young doctor learned to treat himself, https://bit.ly/2UQLrko « STAT

In Grief: When Sorrow Is Delayed

[Reviewed and updated May 18, 2025]

My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul.  ~ William Shakespeare

A reader writes: Hello I lost my mum 3 yrs ago, she died suddenly of a heart attack at 41 yrs. I was 19 at the time and had suffered the loss of a friend 7 months prior to mum’s death, as well as the separation with the father of my 14 month old son. After mum died my son, younger sister and i had to move 5 times that year until we were granted government housing. After that, life just kept going and so did i. I feel i have a lot of delayed grief which i wish desperately not to keep bottled up. If you could help me out by sending me some helpful info i would be so very grateful.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 19 - July 9, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream:

Coping with grief overload: Sometimes you just have to take a break from the media exposure around national tragedies, http://j.mp/29pM10r « What's Your Grief?

Moving On Versus Healing, http://j.mp/29rGwxL « All The Things

How to Hurt a Suicide Survivor, http://j.mp/29pvsDQ « The Gift of Second

A Special Memorial Day Offer

From Self-Healing Expressions, publisher of my online email courses:

This Memorial Day as we take time to pause, remember
and honor the fallen in our personal ways,
we also extend our heartfelt gratitude to the families
who mourn their losses each and every day.

For anyone struggling with grief this holiday weekend,
breathe and take gentle care.

Today Self-Healing Expressions is pleased to offer you
or anyone in your circle who might benefit,
this free ebook by Marty Tousley, grief counselor
and author/instructor of The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.
See if it might be of support.

Children and Pet Loss: A Family Deals with An Accidental Death

Photo credit: Wikipedia

[Reviewed and updated December 2, 2025]

Children aren’t as affected by pet loss as grownups are – they’re young and they’ll get over it faster. ~ A common myth about pet loss

Contrary to what some people believe, the death of a family pet is a significant event, and often it is the child's first real encounter with a major loss. Suddenly all that friendship, companionship, loyalty, support and unconditional love are replaced with overwhelming and unfamiliar feelings of loss, confusion, emptiness, fear and grief. Far from being a so-called dress rehearsal for the real thing, for most children pet loss is a profoundly painful experience. The following case offers one example.

Caregiving and Hospice, November 8 - November 14, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Need Help? It’s There for the Asking, http://j.mp/1MGQRFU « Caregiving Cafe Blog

This App Will Help You Sort Through Your Views On Dying, http://j.mp/1kPiL7P « HuffPost Religion

Care{giving} Myths, http://j.mp/1kO9CfL « The Unprepared Caregiver

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 2 - August 8, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Seeing Death in Nature: Preparing Children for Loss, http://j.mp/1IVh3L5 « It's OK to Die

Don’t You Tell Me How to Grieve! http://j.mp/1KakGta « GriefMinisterDotCom

Helpful article! Tolerating the Intolerable: Beyond Numbing, http://j.mp/1git8i3 « Open to Hope

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 10 - May 16, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Film Review: Up (2009), http://j.mp/1cF7lj1 « SevenPonds Blog

Heart wrenching: Dying With Dignity, http://j.mp/1EDPEYr « HuffPost Healthy Living

Fallout From A Suicide Can Touch Everyone Who Is Exposed, http://j.mp/1F8o8Vn « Grief after Suicide

Caregiving and Hospice, May 3 - May 9, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Thickened Liquid Challenge on Making Sense of Alzheimer's, http://j.mp/1IrBGxB « GeriPal

Heartwarmer! Watchdog Cat Looks After Hospice Patient, http://j.mp/1Eo5xBj « WHOtv.com

The Need for Stability Part II: Its Role in Chronic and Progressive Illnesses, http://j.mp/1zBbUoO
« Stan Goldberg, PhD