Learning to Grieve What Never Was: Understanding the Hidden Grief of Childhood Abandonment

The scars of abandonment linger, revealed in the fear of closeness, the craving for validation, and the haunting echo of 'I’m not enough'.  ~ Tracy A. Malone

A reader writes: I was recently informed that my mother has died, and I am grieving. My mother left me when I was a little girl. It hurt. I denied it for 40 years. So far I have attended two different bereavement groups. Both are filled with people who are grieving a loved one. I am not. I do not have a string of memories of our times together to talk about: how she taught me how to bake a pie, helped me plan my wedding, helped me through my divorce, paid for college, took care of my kids while I met my second husband, etc. I do not fit into those groups. They are grieving such a beautiful memory that I’m afraid I will poison their precious period of grief if they hear my story of abandonment. I didn’t have a mother to maintain kinship ties with an extended family. I had an evil stepfather who was remote and distant and lied to me about why my mom was gone: “She left you.” 

Loss and The Grief of Abandonment

A reader writes: I was recently informed that my mother has died, and I am grieving. My mother left me when I was a little girl. It hurt. I denied it for 40 years. So far I have attended two different bereavement groups. Both are filled with people who are grieving a loved one. I am not. I do not have a string of memories of our times together to talk about: how she taught me how to bake a pie, helped me plan my wedding, helped me through my divorce, paid for college, took care of my kids while I met my second husband, etc. I do not fit into those groups. They are grieving such a beautiful memory that I’m afraid I will poison their precious period of grief if they hear my story of abandonment. I didn’t have a mother to maintain kinship ties with an extended family. I had an evil stepfather who was remote and distant and lied to me about why my mom was gone: “She left you.”  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 14 - September 20, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Obligation to Replenish When Mourning, http://j.mp/1rqkyAC « Ezine Articles

Growth and Grief Resources (in print), http://j.mp/1wwSID0 « What's Your Grief?

New book to help children express feelings, navigate difficulties: The Rhino Who Swallowed a Storm, http://j.mp/1r7x0Un « Amazon

Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources

Source

[Reviewed and updated January 22, 2026]

As discussed in earlier posts, mourning the death of a relationship can be especially difficult when colored by a history of physical or emotional abuse. Whether the abuse stemmed from addiction, abandonment, mental illness, dementia or any number of other causes, it can complicate the grief process ~ unless and until it is examined, processed, understood and overcome.

Here are some resources that can help ~ and as always, if you know of any that you'd like to see added to the list, please feel free to leave a comment, below.

Betrayal, Fear of Separation and Unresolved Grief

[Reviewed and updated October 11, 2025]

Disappointments in love, even betrayals and losses, serve the soul at the very moment they seem in life to be tragedies. The soul is partly in time and partly in eternity. We might remember the part that resides in eternity when we feel despair over the part that is in life. ~ Thomas Moore, in Care of the Soul

A reader writes: I am a soldier in the US Army recently returned from deployment overseas. I spent a year there and found out last December that my wife had been in love with a Catholic priest for 3 years unbeknownst to me (he was a friend of the family). She never let on to him that she was in love, however, her devotion to him was very intense. I know this from their emails, friends and my wife’s own admission. They were rarely alone together, and did nothing untoward with each other (physically). My wife allowed me to believe that the emotional distance between us was caused by my neglect of the relationship and nothing else.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 4 - November 10, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Kids say "It's Okay To Talk About Grief," http://j.mp/Q29vwX video by @BrookesPlace

• Grieving students cope at school with Hospice help, http://ow.ly/2t7uUC via @GriefHelp

• Video promo for Children's Grief Awareness Day. Check it out! http://ow.ly/f9zTR via @NAGCnews

• Animal Friends: Love in the Present Moment, http://j.mp/YYRvEV via @MarianneSoucy

• Interview with Proof Of Heaven's author, Dr. Eben Alexander III, http://www.AfterlifeTV.com by AfterLifeTV's @bobolson

Mother Loss and the Grief of Abandonment

A reader writes: I was recently informed that my mother has died, and I am grieving. My mother left me when I was a little girl. It hurt. I denied it for 40 years. So far I have attended two different bereavement groups. Both are filled with people who are grieving a loved one. I am not. I do not have a string of memories of our times together to talk about: how she taught me how to bake a pie, helped me plan my wedding, helped me through my divorce, paid for college, took care of my kids while I met my second husband, etc. I do not fit into those groups. They are grieving such a beautiful memory that I’m afraid I will poison their precious period of grief if they hear my story of abandonment. I didn’t have a mother to maintain kinship ties with an extended family. I had an evil stepfather who was remote and distant and lied to me about why my mom was gone: “She left you.”   Read on here >>>

           

Article about Abandonment and Grief

Having recently learned of the death of the mother who abandoned her in early childhood, a woman asks, “Where is a grief support group for me?” Mother Loss And The Grief of Abandonment