Monday, July 13, 2015

In Grief: Feeling No Support In The Wake of Loss

[Reviewed and updated July 7, 2024]

It sounds obvious, but it wasn’t until I was sitting with a friend (and feeling gloriously understood) that it finally clicked: no man can ever replace your mother.Anna Pasternak

A reader writes: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning. My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month. I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. Mom lasted 7 months. My precious friend is no longer with me. Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else. I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there. My friends have faded away. You would be surprised how people fade away when someone is thrust into care giving. Even our church turned their backs—no calls, no words of comfort, no nothing. My husband confronted them on this, but still no contact.
I do not understand. What am I doing wrong? My heart is breaking—where do I turn? I want to know it is okay to cry and that I will still be loved. I want to know that I can be distant in my sorrow and I will still be loved—not rejected. Can you help me to understand?

My response: Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your beloved mother. I’m so sorry that you feel so isolated and alone. I know that with an overwhelming sense of missing your mother comes the crushing awareness of all you’ve lost. You’d give anything to be together again, if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness, and to be reassured that your mother is still a part of your life.

You say that you’ve received little if any support from your spouse and others. In the wake of loss it is not unusual to feel isolated, different and apart from everyone else, convinced that no one understands and you must grieve alone. This is partly because our culture isn’t comfortable with the subject of death, and few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief. We don’t permit or encourage the free expression of sorrow. Instead we learn to control our feelings and hide our pain so we won’t disturb other people.

You may be reluctant to turn to others, either because you haven’t learned to accept or ask for help, or because you’re afraid others won’t know what to do with your feelings. If they’re unfamiliar with the intensity and duration of grief or uncomfortable with the expression of strong emotions, they may offer only meaningless platitudes or clichés, change the subject or avoid you altogether. Some people you know may be done with your grieving long before you are, expecting you to be “over it by now” or worrying that you’re somehow “hanging on” to your grief.

Your disappointment in your church reminds me of something I once heard at a conference, from a colleague who’s provided bereavement consultation and training to thousands of counselors and therapists the world over. He told of a case he was struggling with because his grieving client felt completely alienated from her Roman Catholic religious faith.

Because the therapist was Jewish, he felt compelled to refer this woman to a colleague who happened to be a Catholic nun, as well as a fellow grief counselor at the hospice where they both worked at the time. When the nun met with his client, she told the woman that if she never set foot in another church for the rest of her life, she was still a child of God and God still loved her. That statement, especially coming from a nun, was exactly what the woman needed to hear, broke the log-jam and served to help her move along in her grieving process.

I share this with you because I want to normalize the alienation you are feeling, especially in the face of the rejection and neglect you felt from your church community. I want to gently suggest to you that the rejection you felt came from the human beings in your church, not from God. I also want you to know that it is normal and healthy to question your own basic spiritual beliefs when you lose someone you love to death—please see, for example, my article, Religion and Spirituality in Grief.

I don’t know anything about the online grief group you joined, but I encourage you to visit the one that I moderate, which has been serving the bereaved since 2003. Our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups contains a forum for Loss of a Parent or Grandparent, and there you will find some of the most caring, compassionate and understanding people you could ever hope to meet. Not all online grief groups are the same, not all are moderated by certified grief counselors, and so I urge you to try one that is better suited to your needs. You are most welcome to join us.

To cope with the isolation you are feeling, I invite you to read my article, Loneliness and Solitude in Grief, as it contains some specific suggestions that I think you will find useful.

You’re not doing anything “wrong,” my dear—you simply haven’t yet found the information, comfort and support that you need and deserve. There is plenty of good help “out there”—you just need a little guidance in how to find it. See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You.

Make a commitment to yourself to learn all you can about the normal grief process so you’ll have a better understanding of why you’re feeling as you do, and you’ll discover how to better manage your reactions. See, for example, the links I’ve listed here: Marty's Articles. Check out my site’s Death of a Parent page and visit some of the resources listed there. 

I hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear. Please know that you are not as alone as you might think. I, for one, am thinking of you this moment, and holding you in my heart.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing NewsletterSign up here.

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