Grieving Without Numbing The Pain

Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim.— Margaret Gerner

A reader writes: It's been a terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad—at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the U.S. I've had all three children, plus one daughter-in-law, with me this past month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died.

I made the trip to the airport fine. I was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears, and drive home again. Altogether, it was a four-hour trip. When I got home from the airport, I collapsed into tears. It was still early, so the two sons who are staying with me—for now—were still asleep. I took a sedative, then had a glass of wine, followed by another. Nothing helped.

I never drink in the morning. I'm not even usually a drinker, and I'm not the type to use sedatives or sleeping pills. Now I'm wondering if I'm headed down the road to addiction.

Mixing Grief, Medication, and Alcohol: A Dangerous Combination

Heavy use of drugs or alcohol can intensify the experience of grief and depression and impair the bereavement process. ~ J. William Worden

A reader writes: I wonder if I might turn out to become one of those complicated grief people. I have all the risk factors. I'm not usually a drinker or a drug taker -- I've been regularly using alcohol and Serax (oxazepam) since my husband died. The same thing happened after we got his diagnosis a year ago, but when we received some positive news that they might be able to beat the cancer or at least control it - I was able to cut out the oxazepam and reduce drinking to a glass of wine a day. Then he suddenly died - and we were completely unprepared. Even the doctors were surprised.

Addiction and Substance Abuse in Grief: Suggested Resources

Remember that just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.  ~ Robert Downey Jr.

Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure. Grief can feel overwhelming, unpredictable, and deeply isolating. In an attempt to manage the emotional turmoil, some individuals turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to numb the pain, escape reality, or temporarily quiet their thoughts. While substances may provide short-term relief, they often complicate the healing process, leading to dependency, increased emotional distress, and even long-term mental and physical health consequences. Understanding why people use drugs or alcohol to cope with grief, the risks involved, and healthier alternatives for navigating loss is essential in finding a path toward true healing.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 2 - June 15, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

The hardest part of growing up? For me, it has to be watching my parents grow older. There’s this sudden realization that all things are finite and there’s an end to everything. Every time I think about this, the reality hits even harder. Coping With Grief: The Sight Of Parents Growing Old « Her Campus

In Grief: Widowed Mom's Drinking Alienates Family

Compassion for our parents is the true sign of maturity. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: My father passed away last July. My mother and he had a terrible marriage and only stayed together for the "kids," then couldn't afford to live apart. He passed away after a brief illness, but had made my mother's life very difficult. For the last 20 years, they just cohabited together with seperate lives - different bedrooms and even different tv rooms.

I did not have a good relationship with him (nor did my brother) - he was mean, selfish and just not a very nice person to us or anyone else. Nonetheless, I did and still do grieve for him. I also grieved for the father I never had, but I did forgive him before he passed away and was present when he died.

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 28 - May 11, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Grief is a journey. You can move through grief without letting go of the memory of your loved one. I will focus on the “morning” phase, or the sense of hope and faith that keeps us going. Learning From Loss « Psychology Today

Many experts in the field of grief psychology no longer speak of "stages" of grief that you passively go through, but rather of active "tasks" of healthy grieving, particularly in cases of traumatic losses such as the death of a child or death due to an accident, natural disaster, homicide or suicide. Not 'stages' of grief, but 'tasks': Escaping the spiral of heartache « Yahoo! Life

Using Alcohol to Cope with Grief

Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim.  ~ Margaret Gerner

A reader writes: It's been terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad - at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the US. I've had all three kids plus one daughter-in-law with me this last month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died. I made the trip fine, was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears and drove home again. Altogether a four hour trip. I got home from the airport, and collapsed into tears. It was early, so the two sons left at home - at least for now - were still asleep. I took a sedative, then a glass of wine, then one more glass of wine. Nothing helped.

In Grief: Worried About Widowed Mother

Find an updated version of this post here: 

In Grief: Widowed Mom's Drinking Alienates Family 

My father passed away last July. My mother and he had a terrible marriage and only stayed together for the "kids," then couldn't afford to live apart. He passed away after a brief illness, but had made my mother's life very difficult. For the last 20 years, they just cohabited together with seperate lives - different bedrooms and even different tv rooms.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 6 - December 12, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

There is a misconception that grief is just sadness (maybe with some anger thrown in). The reality? Grief feels like so many things. Grief feelings can change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. And they are ALL NORMAL. What Does Grief Feel Like? « What's Your Grief? 

It is only natural that you want to protect your children from being upset at all costs, but it is not necessarily a bad thing that they are introduced to the concept of loss at a relatively early age. After all, death is – sadly – the one inevitability of life, and we all have to come to terms with it at some point. Should you take children to a funeral? « AK Lander

In Grief: Mixing Drugs with Alcohol

[Reviewed and updated April 29, 2024]

Heavy use of drugs or alcohol can intensify the experience of grief and depression and impair the bereavement process.  ~ J. William Worden

A reader writes: I wonder if I might turn out to become one of those complicated grief people. I have all the risk factors. I'm not usually a drinker or a drug taker -- I've been regularly using alcohol and Serax (oxazepam) since my husband died. The same thing happened after we got his diagnosis a year ago, but when we received some positive news that they might be able to beat the cancer or at least control it - I was able to cut out the oxazepam and reduce drinking to a glass of wine a day. Then he suddenly died - and we were completely unprepared. Even the doctors were surprised.

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 19 - March 25, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What Losing Your Mother Feels Like, http://j.mp/1xOAP1Q « The Huffington Post

Stress in Grief, http://bit.ly/2mZwD0V « What's Your Grief?

Dating After Loss of a Spouse, http://bit.ly/2mSLny9 « Grief in Common

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 13 - December 19, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Easter Brides and Christmas Widows, http://j.mp/1Og3YjT « HuffPost GPS for the Soul

How To Manage Grief At Work, http://j.mp/1Pbl1mc « Know It All

Lessons from End of Life University: The Many Paths of Grief, http://j.mp/1Qmx8yr « What Really Matters?

Mixing Grief with Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction?

Find an updated version of this post here:

Using Alcohol to Cope with Grief

A reader writes: It's been terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad - at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the US. I've had all three kids plus one daughter-in-law with me this last month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died. I made the trip fine, was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears and drove home again. Altogether a four hour trip. I got home from the airport, and collapsed into tears. It was early, so the two sons left at home - at least for now - were still asleep. I took a sedative, then a glass of wine, then one more glass of wine. Nothing helped.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 8 - June 14, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Supporting Kids Who Can't Remember Their Dads This Father's Day http://j.mp/1y1Y0bu « What's Your Grief ?

Grief, Mindfulness and Alcohol, http://j.mp/18FKP3i « What's Your Grief ?

After Death Communication: Uncovering The Richer Connections in Our Signs, http://j.mp/1kwpGv0 « The Grief Toolbox

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 12 - May 18, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Truth about Grief, http://j.mp/11KiZmv « Grief Digest Magazine

Alan Wolfelt: Grief and the Capacity to Love Part II, http://j.mp/12AyIkE « Grief Digest Magazine

Sesame Street and Grief: talking about grief before it was cool, http://j.mp/12Ag9Nu « What's Your Grief

"Do You Have Any Siblings?" How to answer that question after the death of a sibling, http://j.mp/110L01q « Hello Grief

Remember What You Love: Deep Friendship and Thriving Plants, http://j.mp/10vxmYp « Elaine Mansfield

Caregiving and Hospice, January 13 - January 19, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Enabling people to visit loved ones before they die, http://ddnc.us/11C3OK3 by @thextramileorg via @DeathwDignity

What is Palliative Care? ~ Keep Mom at Home, January issue, http://ow.ly/gHg6i via @hospicebuffalo

Outstanding! Learning the right lessons from hospice, http://j.mp/VRaiBy via @CelticHospice

Truly excellent! Doctors Do Die Differently, http://lnkd.in/jPvQXc via @robingsmith

How Do You Know When to Contact Hospice? http://j.mp/Mt62FG « Grief Healing Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 28 - November 3, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Free for bereaved families, 8-9 pm EST Wednesday, November 7, 2012 on Handling the Holidays. Register here: http://tinyurl.com/TCFWebinars, from @AliceaMom via @tcfofusa
  
  
• For anyone grieving or helping their kids through grief, http://wp.me/p1Eh1s-RX
  
  
• Updated: Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief, http://j.mp/hkoXnZ « Grief Healing Blog
  
  
• Helpful! Daily Requirements for Coping With the Death of a Loved One, http://j.mp/SfAAIK
  
  
• Light Up A Life will be on Sunday, November 18 at Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix AZ, http://j.mp/SskTPi