Coping With STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

Teen Grief: Grandparent's Death Triggers Unresolved Grief

Grief: "something thick and gooey inside" 

[Reviewed and updated December 6, 2021]

Grief was like the mud that covered them. Messy. Quickly spreading everywhere, once it found a way in. ~ Veronica Rossi

A reader writes: My grandpa died five months ago. He lived with me for the first nine years of my life after which I moved away. In the past six years plus, I saw him only once for 20 days about a 1.5 years ago. My grandpa was like a parent to me because my parents were working. We had an amazing few years together and he showered all of his love on me. I was his favorite. He was a beautiful man with a great sense of humor and selflessness. He always cared for other people and forgot himself in his worry over and care for others. He was a great soul and I was very, very close to him. But then he got seriously sick at the beginning of school and junior year being very important, I was unable to go see him. I made the choice of going through with my responsibilities instead of visiting him because that's what he would have wanted. He died a few days later and it was very painful for me. But it was even more devastating for my mom, so I wasn't able to talk about my grief with her. 

In Grief: Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

Find the updated version of this post here:

Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

I know I need to pay attention to my grief, and I do. But I’d like to have better control over the shutdown spells because I don’t know what to do when their timing creates problems in the rest of my life. For example, I had an extended shutdown spell just when I was struggling to complete an important project at work. There was much work to be done, and the deadline could not be postponed. I almost didn’t deliver on time because during my shutdown I was too paralyzed to do anything but cry! That’s my dilemma – grief by itself is difficult enough to live with, but the stress intensifies when life and work make demands during my shutdown times. When things are that bad for me, telling myself to “suck it up” and press ahead isn’t helpful – it’s like trying to run a marathon an hour after open heart surgery.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 20 -July 26, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"Cowbells Ring... are you listening?" http://j.mp/1xc7m1h « GriefCorner

100 Songs about Grief and Loss, No. 2 http://j.mp/1qFfFF6 « What's Your Grief?

Waiting [for another grief attack], http://j.mp/1t4mwYE « Widow's Voice

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 23 - June 29, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

After Tragedy: 3 Reasons And 21 Ways To Bring Joy Back into Your Life, http://j.mp/19GzjI5 « Tiny Buddha

Finding Balance: A self care quiz for grievers,  http://j.mp/biCTnZ « Hello Grief

Lively discussion dominates Death Cafe, http://j.mp/14CCIRD « Baltimore Sun

Grief Relief! 5 Holistic Alternatives to Therapy, http://j.mp/19Ia9FA « With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes

Lovely! Saving Grief Until After Wimbledon, http://j.mp/12vdXU3 « Friend Grief

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 22 - May 28

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Ann Faison: No Timeline for Grief, http://dlvr.it/TDMsB via @houstonfunerals

• Deb Kosmer: The End of Winter Sometimes Comes Slowly, Open to Hope, http://bit.ly/kPMGXT

• Coping with Disastrous Events, http://bit.ly/kf8kQ8 via HFA blog

• Book review: 'Shift Happens': Making Sense of Life After Job Loss, aol.it/ldRKvk via @AOL @DrDignity

• 7 reasons why it's good to cry your eyes out, http://to.pbs.org/ihDxhs via @EmotionalLife

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 5 - December 11

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting Service this Sunday, Dec. 12, 7 pm local time, http://bit.ly/fTT4in

• Dealing with the Loss of an Online Friendship, http://ow.ly/3n9QB by @shady_wilbury via @LaMuscarella

• Ten Tips for Handling Grief During the Holidays, via @opentohope webinar http://ow.ly/3nd1A RT @LaMuscarella 

• "Huge list of blogs by widowed people," http://bit.ly/eernDg by @Freshwidow 

• Elizabeth Edwards (3): Dying at home, http://bit.ly/dZgauR by @Freshwidow

• Reflections on a Resilient Life: Remembering Elizabeth Edwards, http://nblo.gs/bHciO by @KSBuckley

• Winter, Grief and the Dark Night of the Soul, http://bit.ly/hIEc1V by @BethSPatterson 

• TheCompassionate Friends announces a partnership with theRabbit Hole movie, http://bit.ly/hUbn08 via @Joannefunch

• Elizabeth Edwards Embodied the Hero Archetype, http://bit.ly/efQVjW by @HopefulMJ 

• Widower Wednesday: Making New Holiday Traditions, http://bit.ly/fKI5fz by @abelkeogh

• NHPCO message of condolence on death of Elizabeth Edwards is online, http://bit.ly/ib0YiG via @NHPCO_news

• Coping with ‘Shutdown Spells’ in Grief, http://bit.ly/evi8HF 

• Wonderful! we LOVE each other: a healing journal for grieving children, http://bit.ly/fZRLih by Julie McLellan-Mariano

• Visit (and like!) Wings Grief Education Ministry on Facebook, http://on.fb.me/ieTyWn

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 21 - November 27

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Fresh Widow: To Engage... or Not? http://bit.ly/ehu7sy

• Coping With Grief and The Holidays, http://ow.ly/1a9lEy by @GriefHelp via @soaringspirits @Joannefunch

• Alone for Thanksgiving, Alone for Christmas | World of Psychology, http://bit.ly/eee1vu

• Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering, http://bit.ly/hO4In3

• STUG (Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief): When current loss triggers past losses | Health Journeys, http://bit.ly/gFbF3i 

• Reading recommended for and by the bereaved, http://bit.ly/dP3djB via @AddThis @GriefHealing @WorldbytheTail 

• Seductiveness of the Stages Model of Grief | This Emotional Life, http://to.pbs.org/alvNaK

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 24 - October 30

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Are widows exempt from having to send thank-you notes? http://bit.ly/biXCGQ via RT @Freshwidow

• Sleeping with a widower: Widower Wednesday, http://bit.ly/bx6HQp by @abelkeogh via @Freshwidow

• Parenting your grieving child, by the founder of Rainbows, http://bit.ly/buqeP3 via @Freshwidow 

• Grief and Creativity discussion group over on Facebook, http://on.fb.me/brd0P1 via @motherhenna 

• Free podcasts and prompts on grief and creativity, http://bit.ly/bB379j by @motherhenna

• Mrs. Duck, a grief outreach story by @motherhenna, free as PDF eBook, http://bit.ly/9aa6N9

• Personal story: Getting real with kids about grief,  http://bit.ly/1kHrMp by @annie_fox via @ronitbaras

• Sorting belongings: A Widow Deals With Her Grief, http://bit.ly/bkVWsg via Oprah.com

• Child loss and grief triggers: The Halloween Graveyard | Open to Hope Foundation, http://j.mp/1r9KlZT

• Pet therapy brightens day for hospice patients, http://bit.ly/cNvuYF

• Understand Your Limits - Truisms About Grief, http://wp.me/pVxlX-3Iby @GrievingDads 

• Finding your unique way through grief, http://bit.ly/cxo1TM by @motherhenna 

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 8 - August 14

From Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Comforting Grieving Parents: What Helps and What Doesn't, http://bit.ly/brq8pQ

• Allen Frances in NY Times: Good Grief and DSM-V- sacred rite or medical ritual? http://nyti.ms/d0Z98Y

• Creating Community in Times of Grief: Facebook in Action, via @njsmyth, http://ht.ly/2pvES 

• Sadhguru on Accepting the Death of a Loved One, via @Tabitha_Jayne, http://huff.to/a0lY5G 

• Lynne Hughes: Reconnecting via technology brings healing decades after loss, via @HelloGrief, http://bit.ly/cs4ivl

• Courage: Defined by a Grieving Dad | GrievingDads.com Project, http://bit.ly/a2zfLr

• A Death on Facebook: Intimacy and loss in the age of social media, via @doclake, http://bit.ly/batQxO

• Keeping it real: another honest widow's Camp Widow experience, http://bit.ly/dkOP4N 

• Nancy Brinker lost her sister but found her calling: A Sister's Promise, http://bit.ly/b3GwBS

• Helping an Angry Child in grief, via @HelloGrief, http://bit.ly/anTrgv 

• Using Antidepressant Medication in Grief | Open to Hope Foundation http://bit.ly/9q0NQh

• Hospice RN convinced of life after death offers comfort to dying, bereaved, http://bit.ly/c9kAkH

• Stephanie Baffone on mother loss and devotional prayer: What I Learned From Eat, Pray, Love, http://bit.ly/91p8NV

• Camp Widow: Young and widowed find solace, one another online - USATODAY.com, http://bit.ly/9d5QZZ

• Amazing & uplifting! Loss and Found: An Adoption Story, via @StoryForHealing, http://ow.ly/2nPbY

• Truisms About Grief No.6, via @GrievingDads, "Offers That Don’t Materialize" http://wp.me/pVxlX-1Y

• Ellen Gerst on discovering life after death: What I Learned at Camp Widow 2010, http://bit.ly/breNRF

• Mary Jane Hurley Brant: Stages of Grief and Loss Change Over Time, via @Joannefunch, http://bit.ly/9TFbTL

• Diana Doyle: blindsided by grief, 'Honoring those awkward moments,' http://bit.ly/9b02B4

• Using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) in Grief, via @Selfhealingexpr, http://ht.ly/2ktxF 

• 'Camp Widow' Helps Military Wives Heal From Grief | KPBS.org http://bit.ly/cqdre4 

• Colleges students deal with the loss of loved ones, http://bit.ly/9iRJRs 

• Awesome @USAToday story on hopeful, energizing Camp Widow weekend! http://bit.ly/dkyOcM 

• Dr. Joanne Cacciatore on Child Loss: Grief, the Great Leveler http://bit.ly/bKkodr