In Grief: On Writing Sympathy Thank-You Notes

Appreciation can make a day, even change a life.  Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.  ~ Margaret Cousins

Upon the death of a loved one, it is customary to send written thank you notes as soon as possible, usually within two weeks of receiving a gift. But if ever there is a time when you’re entitled to ignore the rules of etiquette, or a time when immediate thanks is neither expected nor required, it is when you are in mourning. 

In Grief: Should Young Children Attend a Funeral?

When deciding whether your child should attend a funeral or memorial service, age is not the most important consideration. Your child is part of the family, and as grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt wisely observes, children who are old enough to love are old enough to grieve.

No child is too young to attend a funeral, provided that the child is prepared for what will happen and what he or she will see at the funeral home, and is lovingly guided through the process. Shutting children out makes them feel alone and conveys the idea that death and grief are too horrible to be faced. Children need to learn that special, loved people do die—but also that there will always be somebody there to take care of them.

Anticipatory Grief: Staying Present When Loss Is Inevitable

In order to get from what was to what will be, you have to go through what is.  ~ Unknown

A reader writes: My husband has advanced-stage lung cancer, and I have to face the inevitable that he will die soon. It’s been 8 months; we’ve been married for 20 years. I’m sure that it’s normal, but the thoughts that are running through my head are driving me insane. I keep envisioning myself starting relationships with other men. I feel guilty like I’ve already moved on with my life. It’s survival instinct too, because I can’t support my kids on my own and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I love my husband dearly. I want to be focused on the present. How do I do that?

Pet Loss: How to Stop This Run-Away Grief Train

I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats. ~ Eckhart Tolle 

A reader writes: My beautiful lilac-point Siamese passed away earlier this month. I took her to the emergency clinic where they took blood tests and kept her through the weekend hydrating her. That Monday I transferred her to the Cat Care Clinic where she stayed another day. I was taught how to hydrate her and how to force-feed her. She wasn't even drinking water, though she would go to her water bowl and cry. She was trying to get well, but couldn't.

She had seen me over the years come back from the dead more times than I can count and was trying to emulate me. For three weeks she lived on my chest -- hardly moving, needing and giving comfort. When I asked her why she was putting herself through that rather than taking the easy way out by dying she told me she was waiting for me to learn to grieve and celebrate all in one breath. My 15 year-old kitty was wiser than I... Eventually she started having violent seizures on my chest and I asked her if she wanted me to help her die. She said she was OK with the dying process but that if I felt strong enough to go through euthanasia she wouldn't object.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 1 - September 30, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this month:

Most people expect to feel better after that first year of bereavement, as if they've reached some sort of significant milestone in their grief journey. Unfortunately, this is another of those myths about grief that simply does not hold true. If you assume that grief will ease as the second year begins, you may soon discover that in many ways it seems much harder now than it did before. You may find yourself feeling even worse ~ and that can seem very unsettling. Beyond the First Year: Struggling with New Waves of Grief « Grief Healing

Beyond the First Year: Struggling with New Waves of Grief

Consequences follow when we force people to use a universal roadmap for grieving, and then judge those who do not follow it as wrong or sick. We deny the normality of grief. We deny the differences in our grieving experiences. We deny people the freedom to grieve. ~ Nancy Berns

If you find yourself (or someone you know) struggling with new waves of grief after having reached the one year mark, you are not alone. A woman whose husband died 15 months ago described her experience this way:

Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

 . . . just as speech is invention about objects and ideas, so myth is invention about truth.  ~ Humphrey Carpenter

Loss is a fact of life, and so are the reactions that follow, but the grief that accompanies significant loss is frequently misunderstood.

Here are some of the more commonly held myths and misconceptions about grief, along with the facts to dispel them:

When someone dies, grief is felt only by that person’s family members and friends. In reality, grief is felt by anyone with an emotional attachment to the deceased, whether we know the person well or not. As we saw with the deaths of Charlie Kirk and Robert Redford, for example, we may mourn for public figures we like or respect and admire, even though we’ve never met them personally.

Grief is what we feel only when our loved one dies. Grief is a normal response to the experience of loss of any kind, including unusual and secondary losses. Such grief often goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. (Examples include disenfranchised losses such as loss of a cherished pet, and losses stemming from major life transitions such as graduation, moving, marriage or divorce, job loss, incarceration, disability or alteration in health status.)

In Grief: Finding Crying Time

Sorrows which find no vent in tears may soon make other organs weep. ~ Sir Henry Maudsley

A reader writes: My sister has been very sick and only recently recovered from a serious illness, thank goodness. Thursday will be three months since my big brother died. And last night I found myself crying—really crying—for the first time. Maybe it’s because I can breathe a little easier now that my sister is more out of the woods. I've always been a caretaker. I've always put everyone I love before myself. I did that for my big brother when he was alive. And I'm doing it for my sister. I couldn't save my big brother, just as I couldn't save our father. I cried for a good couple of hours last night. My husband tried to console me, but either I just wouldn't allow it, or he was doing it wrong. I don't know really. All I know is that my big brother is gone and I'm having a hard time with his loss. He was my big brother and meant the world to me. His passing is hitting me hard.

End of Life Care for Companion Animals

All we animal lovers ever want is to do the best for our animal. When it comes to dying, what is best can be more complex than euthanizing. There is a way to come to peace with the dying process and discover its life enriching value. Animals can teach us about this if we let them. ~ Ella Bittel, Holistic Veterinarian

Coping with the terminal illness of a cherished animal companion presents the same challenges to an animal lover as would anticipating of the death any other family member. Today hospice and palliative care for human beings provides a much needed service to the dying and to those who care for them, but finding such support for a beloved animal close to the end of life can be more difficult.

Reflecting a growing trend toward allowing companion animals a natural death at home, the concept of providing hospice and palliative care for our four-legged friends is similar to that offered for people. The focus is the same: on providing safety and comfort care in loving, familiar surroundings, rather than on aggressive treatment and cure in a hospital setting. Animal hospice is based on a belief that, with proper preparation and guidance for everyone involved, symptoms can be managed, pain can be controlled, and death can be experienced with dignity and compassion. In this way, pet hospice can be an effective alternative to euthanasia.

On A Personal Note

They’re funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you’re having them.  ~ A. A. Milne

To all my clients, colleagues, readers and visitors:

On the morning of Saturday, July 13, still feeling weak from the robotic hernia surgery I’d had 3 weeks earlier, I stood at my bedside helping my husband make our bed. In an instant and without warning, I suddenly lost my balance and fell to the floor. It was a hard fall onto my left side, and I knew immediately that something was seriously wrong. The pain was excruciating, and as I lay there unable and unwilling to move, my husband called for an ambulance. The EMTs got me onto a gurney, into their vehicle and on to the Emergency Department, where I was examined and evaluated.

Xrays revealed dislocation of the hip replacement hardware inside the bone, and fractures on both sides of my left femur, which would require admission to the hospital for surgery the next day, July 14.