In Grief: Comparing Pet Loss to Loss of a Person

I question whether experiences of such severe loss can be quantified and compared.  Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances.  All losses are bad, only bad in different ways.  No two losses are ever the same.  Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain.  What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating, cumulative, and irreversible nature . . . So whose loss is worse, hers or mine?  It is impossible to give an answer.  Both are bad, but bad in different ways.  ~ Jerry Sittser in A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 8 - April 14, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Maureen Hunter: If This Is You, You're Normal, http://j.mp/HGegr1
  
  
• Grief: Listening To My Anger, http://j.mp/HGdudv
  
  
• Truly amazing story, turning the tragedy of a child's death into a mission of education and hope, http://on.fb.me/Inydzf via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Beautiful poem from Jane Yolen, http://bit.ly/Jdfyo8 via @mbquilts
  
  
• 3 Things to Do When You Are Feeling Low, http://j.mp/IumdPp

Featured Web Site: Recover-From-Grief

The stated mission of this comprehensive, clinically accurate and easy-to-navigate site is to promote understanding of the grief process and provide practical strategies for dealing with it. Developed by Jennie Wright, RN, RRT, GC-C, a registered nurse and certified grief counselor, Recover-from-Grief is designed as a "stand-alone workshop," enabling visitors either to select the topics they wish to explore, or to progress through the site in the order suggested on the navigation bars. Topics include signs and symptoms of grief, strategies for coping, ideas for memorializing, and suggestions for expressing comfort and sympathy. Creative mourning techniques designed to help mourners express their bereavement are offered, and visitors are invited to explore the site to find the expressive techniques that feel "just right" for them.

Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?

Find an updated version of this post here:

In Grief: Comparing Pet Loss to Loss of A Person

A while ago I received the following e-mail message from a visitor to my Grief Healing website:

I'm sure you are a lovely person. You’re a hospice volunteer who’s gone through grief yourself and I am sorry for your losses. But I am grieving, too. I lost both of my parents 3 years ago and they died just 9 days apart. They were sick and elderly (89 and 85) and had been in the hospital for about a month when they passed away. I can tell you that it was horrible; more horrible than you can ever imagine. I watched them suffer and then lost them both. Since then, I've also lost two aunts and my favorite uncle. With my aunt's death in August, I really had a setback in the grieving process and I finally decided that I better get some professional help from a psychiatrist. I did and he put me on antidepressants.  Now, on to the reason I’m writing. And I don't mean to attack you, I really don't mean it like that. I just want you to know that I don't think that your grief sites should include grief over lost pets. 

Grieving Children and Adolescents: The Role of Internet Support

As part of its effort to explore how children and adolescents can use the Internet as an additional source of information and support for grief, Hospice Foundation of America will offer an online Webinar, Grieving Children and Adolescents: The Role of Internet Support on Tuesday, June 15, 2010, from 1:00 to 2:30 PM Eastern Time.  Panelists Pamela Gabbay and Cendra Lynn will discuss advantages and disadvantages of utilizing the Internet for bereavement support, as well as innovative strategies for using this technology for education, ritual and support in a monitored, safe way. Registration is open to both individuals and to organizations.

Recommended Web Sites and Blogs

For Bereaved Parents:
Hello Grief: A Place to Share and Learn about Grief - Powered by Comfort Zone Camp and made possible by a generous donation from New York Life, this helpful and informative Web Site is for parents, teens, mentors, friends and everyone else.  Features include community support in the form of a discussion forum, helpful articles and stories, and links to helpful resources:  “Hello Grief provides information and resources about grief in order to break through the current culture of avoidance that surrounds death and loss. Instead, Hello Grief addresses bereavement head-on for those who are helping others cope, as well as those who need support on their own personal journey with grief. In a world that doesn't get it, we do.”

Partnership for Parents - An online resource for parents of seriously ill children,  this site also includes Sharing Wisdom, a number of articles written by bereaved parents from all walks of life, most of whom lost children to serious illnesses.

The Loss of a Child - A mother whose adult son died suddenly at age 37 shares her personal grief journey, offers insights and resources, and introduces her book, Living, Loving, and Losing a Son.
 
Gratitude in Grief - This extraordinary blog journal was created by freelance writer Kelly Buckley to document her journey following the tragic loss of her 23-year old son Stephen on July 4, 2009. Kelly is a gifted writer whose posts are filled with wisdom, resilience and hope:  “One thing has helped me breathe, and that is finding at least one little thing to be grateful for each day, in spite of the pain.”  Kelly’s blog is based on her newly published book of the same name, Gratitude in Grief. Her hope is that her writings will help others find their "one little thing" as well.

GrievingDads.com - After losing two babies to death in the span of two years, bereaved father Kelly Farley “made a promise to Katie, Noah and myself that once I was strong enough, I would reach out to other dads who’ve lost a child and help them come to terms with their loss and to help them find their way.” He developed his Web site as a way “to reach out to all bereaved dads and to provide a conduit to share their stories.”  In addition to raising awareness of the impact of child loss on fathers, Kelly’s ultimate goal is to create a book that represents a cross-section of bereaved fathers.  “I want anyone who picks up this book to be able to relate with someone else’s story so that they don’t feel so alone in their journey through grief.  To let them know that other dads have traveled this path or are currently on the same path.”  Bereaved dads interested in participating in his online survey will find more information here: Share Your Story

For Bereaved Spouses:
Journey Through Grief - Developed by Janelle Shantz Hertzler, a wife and mother whose husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2005, this site offers several well-written articles about the normal grief process. It is packed with creative ideas and practical suggestions to help others work through grief – by using memory books, journaling, poetry reading and writing, and much more.  Janelle is the author of the forthcoming book Seasons of Solace: A Story of Healing through Photos and Poems.

After-Words - Here blogger LeighSW offers a useful road map of basic actions that need to be taken during the first few months after the death of a loved one.

For the Chronically and Terminally Ill and Those Who Care for Them:
Dying: A Book of Comfort – Author Pat McNees describes her Web site as an expansion of her book by the same title, which offers healing words on loss and grief, not only for the chronically and terminally ill but also for those who love and care for them.  A wealth of useful information is included on her site, from managing life for the elderly and disabled to the healing powers of recording life stories and writing ethical wills.  (Pat's beautiful book, Dying: A Book of Comfort is available as a paperback from Amazon, but if you decide to order it directly from the author, you'll receive the Guild hardcover edition which, according to the author, is nicer for gift-giving and costs less.)

For Survivors of Suicide:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) invites those who have lost a loved one to suicide to join their e-survivor network. Members learn about new resources and initiatives and play a role in mobilizing support for research and education. As a tool for communication and for action, the e-Network addresses topics of interest to survivors and empowers those who wish to become advocates for suicide prevention.  Click here to sign up for Survivor E-network E-mails, and here to learn more about the AFSP’s Suicide Prevention Survivor Outreach Program

Numbers to call if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts:

• Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

• Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-999-9999

Grief and Mourning: History, Culture, & Science

Meghan O'Rourke

In the February 1, 2010 issue of The New Yorker, writer and bereaved daughter Meghan O’Rourke explores the history, culture and science of mourning and grief in her comprehensive and well written article, Good Grief: Is There a Better Way to Be Bereaved?

In the accompanying podcast, Losing Rituals, New Yorker Out Loud host Blake Eskin talks with Meghan about her own mother’s death and the loss of mourning rituals in American culture. Topics include mourning rituals and expressing condolences, the difference between grief and mourning, the stages theory of grief, what is normal in grief, public vs. private mourning, the role of the Internet as community in grief, the concept of resilience, and the importance of being patient with the process.

A contributing writer for the online magazine Slate, Meghan O'Rourke also has documented her journey through mother loss and grief  in the eight-part series Grieving: A Study of Bereavement

On Grief, Healing and Resilience

[Note: Originally published in November, 2009, this post was updated on April 16, 2025]

Billed as “the largest and most dynamic gathering of women in the nation,” the California Women’s Conference launched its website in July 2009, as a way to extend the power and reach of the conference.  The 2009 conference included very moving talks by Katie Couric on Resilience and Maria Shriver on Grieving, as well as a Panel on Grief, Healing and Resilience.

Katie Couric's husband died in 1997 after a 9-month battle with colon cancer; her sister died four years after that. In her presentation, she described how she managed to find meaning after both these devastating losses, along with her struggles to "make it" in a man's world of broadcast journalism, all the while relying on her father's advice simply to "do your best."

When this conference was held in 2009, Maria Shriver was California's First Lady, wife of Governor Arnold Schwartzenager, and producer of the conference. She presented herself a bereaved daughter and niece, as both her mother (Eunice Shriver) and her uncle (Teddy Kennedy) had died within a few months of this event. She spoke vividly and movingly about her grief ("Every moment of every day I can feel my broken heart") and the pain of losing her mother ("My mother's death has brought me to my knees. Life without my mother is unimaginable to me.")

Moderated by Maria Shriver, the panel featured bereaved parents Elizabeth Edwards (now deceased ex-wife of Senator John Edwards), Susan St. James (actress and wife of NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol) and Lisa Niemi (widow of Patrick Swazye). Topics ranged from coping with anticipatory grief, letting go, feelings of disloyalty and guilt, grief triggers, and dealing with the insensitivity of others, to finding hope and making meaning out of loss. Their stories were powerful, compelling, uplifting and filled with hope. Watch Good Morning America’s brief overview of the panel presentation on YouTube: Women Dealing with Grief.

Research Report: An Internet Tool to Normalize Grief

Researchers have studied the usefulness of an Internet-based self-help tool, Making Sense of Grief, which they designed to inform, educate and support recently bereaved individuals experiencing normal grief. Results suggest that the intervention had a measurable positive impact on the participants, with no ill effects noted during follow-up interviews. The study points to “the positive potential of the Internet to assist the bereaved in normalizing their grief and enhancing adaptive adjustment to life without the deceased.” [Dominick S, Irvine A, Beauchamp N , Seeley J, Nolen-Hoeksema S, Doka K and Bonanno G. An internet tool to normalize grief. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying. Vol. 60(1), 71-87, 2009-2010.]