Monday, January 13, 2014

Voices of Experience: Grief, 44 Long Months Later

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by Mary Friedel-Hunt, MA, LCSW

No matter how much time has passed since the death of someone dearly loved, the harsh reality of all that's been lost is still enough to bring us to our knees.

yesterday and forever

here it comes again and again
...the 27th of another month
now 44 long long months.
how can they feel like yesterday
and forever at the same time?

the pain persists and always will
i know that to be true.
i do not sob or wail every single day
but i get startled, caught off guard
by the shocking reality of your absence.
it grabs me, suddenly, out of nowhere
and i realize that you are gone...and
i lose you all over again.

those moments, that reality,
takes my breath away, makes my throat
burn, causes tears to flow down my face,
and leaves me crumbled in a ball of pain.
they come not as often but instead come
in streaks and when they do
i want to run, wail, curl up, die.

no one to hold me in the worst pain,
how i long to feel your arms around me,
feel your breath on my face and your heart
beat blend with my own. but you are gone,
you who breathed life into me,
you who taught me kindness and strength,
who cherished me like no one ever has,
who heard me and knew my soul,
how can this be?

i scream silently that i want you back,
that i miss you and agony overtakes me.
how can you just be gone? disappeared?
i talk to you and the silence deafens me,
tells me of your absence...and my emptiness.

how i want to believe in your presence,
believe we will be one again, are still one,
but when 44 months feels like yesterday,
and when those months become so real
that they take my breath away,
forever feels like never.

are you really still there...somewhere?
anywhere? please speak to me, touch me.

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