My response: I understand that you are struggling, and my heart goes out to you as you and your family mourn this tragic death of your beloved son. I am so very sorry for your loss.
You ask what will it take for you to accept what has happened, and I'm afraid there is nothing you can ever say or do that will make this horrible reality "acceptable."
You will mourn the death of your son every day of your life for the remainder of your life, and it will never, ever be "acceptable" to you that he has been ripped away from you this way. As everyone who has lost a child will tell you, over time (and a very long time at that) you will learn to live with it, and the intensity of the pain you are feeling now will diminish over time—provided that you continue seeking to understand your own reactions, and reaching out for support, as you have done by sharing your story here.
You are not alone in feeling uncomfortable with the thought of “accepting” what has happened to your son. Most of us mourners have trouble with words like “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If these particular words bother you, try substituting words like reconciliation and “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your own grief journey.
I’d like to recommend to you a book entitled A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser. The author lost his wife, mother and a daughter in a single automobile accident, and he writes eloquently about his struggle to come to terms with this catastrophic loss. (I ordered and read the book based on a client’s recommendation, and it is indeed extraordinary.) If you decide to read it, you may find that it speaks to you in a wise and meaningful way, too.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
- Can We Ever ‘Accept’ The Death of a Loved One?
- The Myth of Closure: We Can Heal Without It
- The "A" Word: Acceptance | Widow's Voice
- ‘I Just Lost My Son!’ Mother Reaches Out for Help
- When Death Isn't Fair
- Saturdays At Six
- I Am NOT Crazy!