Voices of Experience: Wonder

by Kathie Brumbaugh

Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.  ~ Socrates

I wonder if life will ever be worth living again? Will there ever be joy, happiness or hope?

I wonder if my tunnel will ever have a light at the end of it? Will this black and gloomy cloud ever lift and float away?

I wonder where Charley is? Is he ok, is he happy or sad? Can he see me and is he hoping we’ll be together again?

I wonder if the loneliness and despair will fade away? Will misery, sadness and emptiness go with it?

I wonder if I will ever sleep good again? Will I want to cook, clean my house or take care of myself?

I wonder if guilt and regret will ever ease up? Did I do the right things, should I have done something different?

I wonder if I will ever be needed or wanted again? Do I have anything worthwhile to offer or will I be forgotten?

I wonder if my friends can stand the strain? Will they still be here for me in the end?

I wonder what changes I have yet to make? Will they be major earthquakes that level me or small aftershocks that I can withstand?

I wonder if farming alone will be enjoyable? Can I stand to use Charley’s machinery or will it make me cry again this year?

I wonder if sitting on the front porch looking out over the fields will ever be satisfying again? Will his empty chair be too hard to take?

I wonder if staying by myself will ever get better? Will I ever feel safe and comfortable in my own home?

I wonder if I’ll ever wake up looking forward to the day? Will my strength and ambition ever come back?

I wonder if my broken heart will ever heal and if so, how long does it take? Will I ever know love again, or is it gone forever?

I wonder if I will ever understand the word “wonder”? Will it ever make sense? I wonder . . . . . .

© by Kathie Brumbaugh

About the author: Kathie writes,“I'm just a farmer who doesn't go anywhere or do anything. We were homebodies with livestock that you can't leave. Charley and I were together 33 1/2 years. He was my life and I loved him dearly. He wanted to die at home and until that last week was fine. He died on July 20, 2015 with me by his side and I can't believe it'll be one year in six weeks. Seems like I just lost him. That last week is still quite vivid.”

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.
If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Pin It