A reader writes: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning. My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month. I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. Mom lasted 7 months. My precious friend is no longer with me. Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else. I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there. My friends have faded away. You would be surprised how people fade away when someone is thrust into care giving. Even our church turned their backs—no calls, no words of comfort, no nothing. My husband confronted them on this, but still no contact.
I do not understand. What am I doing wrong? My heart is breaking—where do I turn? I want to know it is okay to cry and that I will still be loved. I want to know that I can be distant in my sorrow and I will still be loved—not rejected. Can you help me to understand?
My response: Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your beloved mother. I am so very sorry that you feel so isolated and alone. With the overwhelming sense of missing your mother comes the crushing awareness of all you have lost. You would give anything to be together again ~ if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness and reassured that your mother is still a part of your life.
You mention that you’ve received little, if any, support from your spouse and others. In the wake of loss, it is not unusual to feel isolated, different, and apart from everyone else ~ convinced that no one understands and that you must grieve alone. This is partly because our culture is uncomfortable with the subject of death, and few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief. We are not taught to permit or encourage the free expression of sorrow. Instead, we learn to control our feelings and hide our pain so we won’t disturb others.
You may also be reluctant to reach out for help, either because you haven’t learned to ask for or accept it, or because you fear that others won’t know what to do with your feelings. If they are unfamiliar with the intensity or duration of grief, or if they are uncomfortable with strong emotions, they may respond with platitudes, change the subject, or avoid you altogether. Some people may even expect you to be “over it by now,” or worry that you are somehow “holding on” to your grief.
Your disappointment in your church reminds me of something a colleague once shared at a professional conference. He had been working with a grieving client who felt completely alienated from her Roman Catholic faith. Because he was Jewish, he referred her to another colleague ~ a Catholic sister and fellow grief counselor at the hospice where they both worked. When the sister met with the woman, she said, “If you never set foot in another church for the rest of your life, you are still a child of God, and God still loves you.”
That statement ~ especially coming from a Catholic sister ~ was exactly what the woman needed to hear. It broke the emotional logjam and helped her begin to move forward in her grief.
I share this story because I want to normalize the alienation you are feeling, especially in light of the rejection and neglect you experienced from your church community. Please remember that the rejection came from human beings ~ not from God. It is also normal and healthy to question your basic spiritual beliefs after the death of someone you love. You might find it helpful to read my article, Religion and Spirituality in Grief.
To cope with the isolation you are feeling, I encourage you to read my article, In Grief: Coping with Loneliness and Solitude, which contains specific suggestions you may find helpful.
You are not doing anything “wrong,” my dear ~ you simply haven’t yet found the information, comfort, and support you need and deserve. There is help available; you just need a little guidance in finding what’s right for you. You may wish to begin with In Grief: Finding Support That Is Right for You.
Make a commitment to learn all you can about the normal grief process so that you will better understand what you are feeling and discover how to manage your reactions more effectively. You’ll find many helpful resources among Marty’s Articles, including those on the Death of a Parent page of my website.
I hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear. Please know that you are not as alone as you may think. I, for one, am thinking of you at this moment and holding you in my heart.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
- In Grief: Doing The Work of Mourning
- Does Your Boss Have Your Back When a Loved One Dies?
- Grief Support: When Others Fail To Meet Our Expectations
- Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources
- My Mother's Death Almost Killed My Marriage
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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