Where is a group for me? I am mourning (a) my mother's death and my loss of a hope of a reconciliation where she tells me she is sorry, (b) my initial wound / loss that I never faced, and (c) finally facing that for 40 years I walked around with a huge ball of grief that I never admitted. There is no one to help me. I am all alone. There was no funeral, no coffin, no wake, no gravesite. No one came to me. No one sent flowers.
Today I bought myself a dozen roses. For the rest of my life, I will buy myself flowers every week, if that is what I need to be nurtured.
My response: I’m so sorry to know that your mother left when you were very young, and that you’ve only recently learned of her death. Please know that the deep sadness you’re feeling now is both normal and entirely understandable. Your grief is further complicated by at least two significant factors: the early loss of your mother, and the belief you were taught ~ that she abandoned you.
First of all, research shows that the loss of a parent in early childhood can have lasting effects throughout adolescence and adulthood. In the words of grief expert J. William Worden, Co-Director of the Child Bereavement Study at Harvard Medical School:
It may be that the most important long-term consequence of parental death during childhood is neither depression nor anxiety disorder, as important as these are, because these only affect a small percentage of adults with childhood parental loss. Rather, the most important long-term impact may be their continuing sense of emptiness and an ongoing need to rethink who this parent would have been in their lives had he or she remained alive. This ongoing presence of the lost parent is strong for most people, even though they may have had adequate parenting by the surviving parent or parent surrogate.
~ J. William Worden, in Children and Grief When a Parent Dies
Second, because you were raised to believe that your mother “left you” when you were a little girl, it’s understandable that you grew up believing she had abandoned you. It’s important to understand that abandonment grief is unique ~ it differs from other types of grief and needs to be approached differently. I believe this may explain why you felt you didn’t “fit in” with the grief support groups you tried. That doesn’t mean there isn’t help available for you ~ only that your healing may require a more specialized kind of support.
I want to point you toward some resources specifically designed for those coping with abandonment-related loss. You may want to learn about Susan Anderson, herself a survivor of abandonment. A psychotherapist with over 25 years of clinical experience and research in this field, she is the founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement. Her website, www.abandonment.net, offers information and community support for abandonment survivors. For a modest membership fee, you’ll find Q&A sections, email exchanges with others who share your experience, details about local support groups, and opportunities to share your story.
Susan Anderson has also written several books that may resonate deeply with you:
Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery
The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection
One of the greatest myths about grief is that, with enough time, we eventually “get over it.” The truth is that grief is a natural response to loss ~ something we learn to live with and carry, not something we leave behind. There is no set timetable for mourning. The bond you share with your mother will endure as long as you hold her memory ~ or even the idea of who she might have been ~ close to your heart.
Even though you never really had the chance to know her, you’re grieving not only the loss of your mother but also the loss of what could have been ~ the relationship you never had and now never will. The loss of that dream is its own kind of death, and your loss is just as real as any other. I'm reminded of that beautiful passage from Robert Fulghum, shared on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing website:
When we’ve changed our religious views or political convictions, a part of our past dies. When love ends—be it the first mad romance of adolescence, the love that will not sustain a marriage, or the love of a failed friendship—it is the same. A death. Likewise in the event of a miscarriage or an abortion: a possibility is dead. And there is no public or even private funeral. Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage. And the last rites are held in the solitude of one’s most secret self—a service of mourning in the tabernacle of the soul.
~ Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives
When your mother was alive, even if you didn’t often think about her, part of you always knew she was still somewhere in the world ~ someone you might someday find. In a way, you learned to love her in her absence, keeping alive a quiet hope that you might one day reconnect. Now that she is gone, you are confronted with the painful reality that her absence is forever ~ and that is a very hard truth to face.
You mention that there was “no funeral, no coffin, no wake, no gravesite” for your mother. But remember that if you wish, you can still hold a memorial for her ~ in your own way and in your own time. You might choose to do this privately, “in the solitude of your most secret self,” as Fulghum writes ~ your own personal service of mourning, held within the tabernacle of your own soul.
My dear, I hope this information offers you some comfort and guidance. Grieving is hard work, but it is possible to face and integrate your loss, no matter how much time has passed. There are compassionate resources available to help you. My hope is that you will reach for them, and my wish for you is healing, peace, and the gentle comfort that comes from understanding your grief.
- Recovery From The Ultimate Abandonment - Susan Anderson Interview
- Myths and Misconceptions about Grief
- The Art of Letting Go
- In Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream
Image by NoName_13 from Pixabay
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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