I don't think of him every day; I think of him every hour of every day. ~ Gregory Peck, in an interview many years after the death of his sonIn the ordinary course of events, we parents don't expect to out-live our own grown children. But when an adult child does precede us in death, it shatters our assumptive world and brings us to our knees. It goes against what we perceive to be the natural order of things, and it feels very, very unfair.
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Monday, July 22, 2024
Death of An Adult Child: Resources for Bereaved Parents
Monday, July 15, 2024
In Grief: Mother Struggles to "Accept" Son's Tragic Death
A reader writes: My son died instantly six months ago, when the car he was a passenger in slammed into a tree. The driver was drunk and speeding. My son had just turned 21 a week before the accident. Ironically, my son didn't go out that often, and when he did, he drove most of the time. I still can't believe this has happened and that he is gone forever. We are a close-knit family (we have two other children) and our son’s absence is felt so deeply by all of us. Nothing seems right without him. We went away for a few days last week, and it was hard to be completely happy because he is always on my mind. When I think of him being gone forever my heart starts pounding and I feel like I could be sick. I tell myself to take this one step at a time, but what will it take for me to accept what has happened?
Sunday, July 14, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, June 30 - July 13, 2024
Over the years, a significant concern of mine has been how to not only share the incredible essence of my mother with those dear to me, but also not hiding the fact she died by suicide. This concern became most pressing over 11 years ago when I was expecting my son. I often pondered how I would introduce him to a grandmother he never had the chance to meet—a woman who loved me intensely yet had a complex story. How could I convey that she loved me, but that I would not leave him? I Finally Told My Son About Mom's Suicide. I Didn't Expect His Reaction « Newsweek
Monday, July 8, 2024
Grief At Work: When Job Performance is Affected
Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone. ~ Fred Rogers
Monday, July 1, 2024
In Grief: Coping with The Anniversary of A Loved One's Death
I have found in the years that have passed that I am most vulnerable at times of remembrance . . . If I get caught up in it, I quickly get pulled under and wind up gasping for breath. ~ Bill Jenkins
Sunday, June 30, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, June 16 - June 29, 2024
Cody Delistray wanted to get good at grief. After his mother died of melanoma when he was in his early twenties, he found, as he writes in his new book The Grief Cure: Looking for the End of Loss,“There was no control to exert. No blueprint to follow.” So, feeling frustrated and exhausted, he did just what a mourner who’s also a journalist might do — he investigated. Grief is brutal, but there is value in it, experts say. So why do we try to "cure" it? « Salon
Monday, June 24, 2024
In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies
It is harder to accept the reality of loss if one is excluded from the dying process, restricted from the funeral rituals, inhibited from acknowledging the loss, or even given delayed news of the death. ~ Kenneth J. DokaA reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.
Monday, June 17, 2024
Pet Loss: Grateful for Comfort and Kinship in Grief
There are] two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give. ~ Edwin Arlington RobinsonA reader writes: Dear Marty, I want to express my gratitude to you personally for the comfort and strength you have given me and others like myself who have lost special companion animals. My cat of eleven and a half years died of kidney disease. We had him euthanized when the disease had progressed to the point where, although he still had his dignity and awareness, he was so painfully thin and weak that we knew he was very tired; he had "fought the good fight," and it was time to let him go.
Sunday, June 16, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, June 2 - June 15, 2024
The hardest part of growing up? For me, it has to be watching my parents grow older. There’s this sudden realization that all things are finite and there’s an end to everything. Every time I think about this, the reality hits even harder. Coping With Grief: The Sight Of Parents Growing Old « Her Campus
Monday, June 10, 2024
In Grief: Widowed Mom's Drinking Alienates Family
Compassion for our parents is the true sign of maturity. ~ Anaïs Nin
A reader writes: My father passed away last July. My mother and he had a terrible marriage and only stayed together for the "kids," then couldn't afford to live apart. He passed away after a brief illness, but had made my mother's life very difficult. For the last 20 years, they just cohabited together with seperate lives - different bedrooms and even different tv rooms.
I did not have a good relationship with him (nor did my brother) - he was mean, selfish and just not a very nice person to us or anyone else. Nonetheless, I did and still do grieve for him. I also grieved for the father I never had, but I did forgive him before he passed away and was present when he died.
Monday, June 3, 2024
Mother Loss: College Student Feels Like Quitting
A reader writes: In my 20 years of living there was not a single day that I had spent without my mom. She was my world and I was hers. She was more like a best friend to me. She played video games with me, we went to trips together, she cooked food for me. It was like she was for me and I was for her. And then, within a matter of 3 days, I lost her. She was just 42.
Sunday, June 2, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, May 26 - June 1, 2024
The disorienting nature of grief can create a sense of duality in our reality. Adapting to a new life without our loved one isn't easy, but it is possible. Many grievers report feeling as though they are in a parallel life with their loved one just out of reach. Why Your Old Life Can Feel Just Out of Reach « Psychology Today
Monday, May 27, 2024
Using Music to Move Through Grief
When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics. ~ Frank Ocean
Sunday, May 26, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, May 13 - May 25, 2024
Patrick passed away less than two weeks before his 21st birthday. He even had his party organised. Instead, the family had to say their final goodbyes before Patrick could experience this coming-of-age milestone. A father's grief: 'There's always an empty seat at the table' « The Impartial Reporter
Monday, May 20, 2024
Coping with Bad Dreams and Nightmares in Grief
Monday, May 13, 2024
Pet Loss: When Prolonged Grief Prevents Bonding With Another Dog
The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be. ~ Konrad Lorenz
Sunday, May 12, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, April 28 - May 11, 2024
Grief is a journey. You can move through grief without letting go of the memory of your loved one. I will focus on the “morning” phase, or the sense of hope and faith that keeps us going. Learning From Loss « Psychology Today
Many experts in the field of grief psychology no longer speak of "stages" of grief that you passively go through, but rather of active "tasks" of healthy grieving, particularly in cases of traumatic losses such as the death of a child or death due to an accident, natural disaster, homicide or suicide. Not 'stages' of grief, but 'tasks': Escaping the spiral of heartache « Yahoo! Life
Monday, May 6, 2024
In Grief: Being Angry with God
What fire does not destroy, it hardens. ~ Oscar Wilde
Monday, April 29, 2024
Using Alcohol to Cope with Grief
Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim. ~ Margaret GernerA reader writes: It's been terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad - at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the US. I've had all three kids plus one daughter-in-law with me this last month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died. I made the trip fine, was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears and drove home again. Altogether a four hour trip. I got home from the airport, and collapsed into tears. It was early, so the two sons left at home - at least for now - were still asleep. I took a sedative, then a glass of wine, then one more glass of wine. Nothing helped.
Sunday, April 28, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, April 21 - April 27, 2024
According to research from national bereavement charity Sue Ryder, gardening and nature can have a profound impact on the grieving process and 40% of the 1,000 respondents surveyed said that gardening had actually ‘saved’ them from their grief. Gardening Is 'Saving' People From Grief By Providing A Safe Space For Reflection « HuffPost
Monday, April 22, 2024
Acceptance, Closure, and "Moving On" in Grief
Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox
A reader writes: This just isn’t something I can live with. I want to see my dad more than anything in the world. I can’t even go near the words “closure” or “accept.” My friend, who never lost anyone, even a pet, in her life, told me in a matter-of-fact, cheery voice, “You gotta get over it, right? Pick yourself up. Go out and live life. Your dad would have wanted you to be out there, I bet.” I almost hung up on her. I know she meant well, but I was so upset by that.
Sunday, April 21, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, April 14 - April 20, 2024
A pediatric clinician shares the rewards and challenges of working with terminally ill children and their families. Terminally Ill Pediatric Patients and the Grieving Therapist « Psychotherapy.net
Monday, April 15, 2024
Voices of Experience: Get Over It (maybe not all of it)
Losing a mate to death is devastating but it's not a personal attack like divorce. When somebody you love stops loving you and walks away, it's an insult beyond comparison. ~ Sue Merrell
Brenda Johnson thought her life was predictable until a sunny Saturday when her husband announced he wasn't happy. Stunned by the message, she picked her heart up off the floor and biked to the farmers market. When she began to live alone, her life was normal as she moved into each day with music from the last, but sadness lingered too long after a reasonable divorce with no hate, theft, or slander. Weary of tears, her mantra became, "Get over it!" Her memoir chronicles her family’s early years and the years after her husband left, when it took too long to get over the tears. The stories of before and after divorce, sprinkled with humor and sorrow, are familiar to anyone who has experienced loss.
Sunday, April 14, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, April 7 - April 13, 2024
A recent study described subjective paranormal experiences with dead pets among 544 bereaved dog owners. These ghostly encounters took many forms and were almost always viewed as positive experiences. These paranormal experiences may help pet lovers deal with disenfranchised grief. Have You Ever Encountered the Ghost of a Deceased Pet? « Psychology Today
Monday, April 8, 2024
In Grief: Comparing Pet Loss to Loss of a Person
I question whether experiences of such severe loss can be quantified and compared. Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances. All losses are bad, only bad in different ways. No two losses are ever the same. Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain. What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating, cumulative, and irreversible nature . . . So whose loss is worse, hers or mine? It is impossible to give an answer. Both are bad, but bad in different ways. ~ Jerry Sittser in A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss
Sunday, April 7, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, March 31 - April 6, 2024
A new sense of urgency has emerged for healthcare organizations to develop "sustainable and accessible bereavement care" and to cultivate a "bereavement-conscious" workforce to position bereavement as an "inherent element of the duty of care," authors of a recent opinion piece asserted. Incorporating Bereavement Into the Continuum of Care « MedPage Today
Monday, April 1, 2024
Meditation and Mindfulness in Grief
Research studies confirm that the practice of meditation and mindfulness changes our brains and our lives; reduces pain, anxiety, confusion and stress; boosts the immune system; and increases concentration, focus and compassion, among its many other benefits. In addition, the practice of meditation and mindfulness can assist us in healing our grief, because it helps us live in the present moment...where our grief resides.
Sunday, March 31, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, March 24 - March 30, 2024
Meghan Riordan Jarvis, a trauma-informed grief expert who specializes in how grief affects the body, told me that because the death of a loved one is a completely novel experience, it is "very energetically expensive." She confirmed that grief can impair our balance as well as memory and our ability to do multistep functions. Can grief make us accident-prone? « KLCC
Monday, March 25, 2024
Confronting The Lessons of Grief
To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. ~ Friedrich NietzscheIt is difficult to imagine surviving grief much less transcending it. How do we triumph over sorrow when it seems as if our pain will never end?
Sunday, March 24, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, March 17 - March 23, 2024
From the loss of my daughter and countless hundreds of families I’ve helped over the years, I mapped out eight guidelines for how to go on after a devastating loss called “The Eight Honorings.” As outlined in my book, How We Go On, each of these honorings speaks to the answerable and unanswerable questions that Meghan’s parents are asking. The Love That Never Dies « Psychology Today
Monday, March 18, 2024
Take Care in Seeking Comfort and Support in Grief
You need many teachers, not one teacher; you need many gurus, not one guru; you need many books not one book! ~ Mehmet Murat ildan
A reader writes: One of my recent problems has to to do with a book I’m reading, consisting mainly of writings and 'lectures' by a man who claims to be an actual avatar, a real embodiment of God Itself, and whose claims of how things really are, and how a continuing life might be for anyone, are very, very close to what I already believed to be the most logical and sensible way things probably worked. BUT, a few of the things he says have also been not only different, but quite frightening, at least to me.Sunday, March 17, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, March 10 - March 16, 2024
When people talk about managing grief, often this involves grieving for someone who’s already passed. However, there are times when a loved one may be approaching the end of their life, perhaps due to an illness or age. In this situation, some find that they have already begun experiencing aspects of grief. Strategies for Preparing and Coping with Imminent Loss « AfterTalk
Monday, March 11, 2024
Abortion Leads to Partner's Silent, Disenfranchised Grief
Sunday, March 10, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, March 3 - March 9, 2024
Asking yourself about the grief process and overdoing this work is a great insight that is always good to examine. I hadn’t thought of the possibility of working so hard at grief that it could be a distraction from stepping into life, but it makes great sense and is a profound insight. The importance of taking time for 'recess' in the grief process « Taos News
Monday, March 4, 2024
Voices of Experience: What You Want Your Loved Ones To Know When You Die
Here Rusty encourages us to convey our final wishes to family and loved ones by preparing our own two envelopes:
Sunday, March 3, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, February 25 - March 2, 2024
Losing a parent is devastating. Losing both in a short time creates a unique set of emotional and practical challenges. Navigating grief can be overwhelming, especially when dealing with the Social Security system. Financial planner J.C. Corrigan, CFP® shares his experience so that others might avoid similar issues. Navigating Grief and Benefits When Both Parents Die « Advisor Perspectives
Monday, February 26, 2024
In Grief: The Gift of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. ~ Corrie Ten BoomA reader writes: I lost my mom six weeks ago. We had a distant and strange relationship my entire life as she favored my brother and made no qualms about showing it financially and otherwise. During my childhood there was much conflict in the house and she didn't protect me from it and wasn't remorseful. Dad had 7 heart attacks during my teen years and died when I was 19 (I'm 53 now). Our home revolved around chronic illness and tension and anger. I resented mom during my 20's and 30's for not protecting me from my father and brother and also had trouble with her obvious favoritism toward my brother which she expressed financially. I moved away many years ago and tried to create a more functional environment for myself and learn about love and support in other types of circles.
Sunday, February 25, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, February 18 - February 24, 2024
Whether it’s the diagnosis of an advanced cancer or a non-malignant condition such as dementia, heart failure or Parkinson’s disease, the psychological and emotional process of grief can begin many months or even years before the person dies. This experience of mourning a future loss is known as anticipatory grief. Not all mourning happens after bereavement – for some, grief can start years before the death of a loved one « The Conversation
Monday, February 19, 2024
Making Comparisons in Grief
For those of us already struggling with grief, however, such catastrophic events unfortunately can give rise to feeling guilty for feeling bad, as if we don’t have a legitimate right to mourn our own individual losses.
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, February 11 - February 17, 2024
Milestone dates can catch us off guard and bring us to our knees. Preparing ahead of time can bring sweetness and meaning to the day. Create rituals that honor your loved one's life and legacy. Grieving Through Birthdays and Death Days « Psychology Today
Monday, February 12, 2024
In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies
It is harder to accept the reality of loss if one is excluded from the dying process, restricted from the funeral rituals, inhibited from acknowledging the loss, or even given delayed news of the death. ~ Kenneth J. Doka
A reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.
Sunday, February 11, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, February 4 - February 10, 2024
Advances in neuroimaging are helping people better understand psychological reactions and responses to grief. Just as someone is changed by the arrival of a loved one into their life, they are altered by their departure. Grieving isn’t the problem: It is a solution, hardwired to help individuals navigate the pain of loss. What We Get Wrong About Grieving « Psychology Today
Monday, February 5, 2024
In Grief: When A Tragic Accident Takes A Mother's Life
Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin. ~ Danielle BernockA reader writes: I'm 25 years old, and I lost my mother in a surprising, tragic accident about 1 week ago. I was devastated for days, but now I don't feel much of anything... I feel saddened and confused, and I don't really know what to do... nothing feels important - but it is as if I should be feeling much worse, I don't know how to put it any better than that. The funeral was yesterday, and almost 500 people showed up to say goodbye (people were standing in the hallway doors looking it was so full), which was pretty touching considering my mom hardly ever left the house (except for work and dog walking), but it was a lovely thing.
Sunday, February 4, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, January 28 - February 3, 2024
Megan Roantree lost both her dad and her best friend Shauna in her teens, now she reflects on the things it taught her about grief, and what she wishes she knew. What I Learned In Loss – & What I Wish I Knew About Grief « Stellar
A practical, technical or vocational major may have value in the job market, but it won’t provide the emotional or philosophical tools needed to cope with profound personal experiences like the death of a parent. For that, one needs a grounding in the humanities, which delve into the human experience, emotions and existential questions that arise during our most significant life events. How The Humanities Can Aid in Coping With Loss « Inside Higher Ed
Monday, January 29, 2024
In Grief: When A Friend Refuses Support
One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood. ~ SenecaA reader writes: I am hoping you can advise me what to do. I have a very dear and close friend whose brother died of suicide a month ago. This was his only sibling. He had to go identify the body and had to come home to a hysterical wife and barely functioning parents. As far as I know he has cried very little if at all. He and I haven't been able to discuss anything at all. My husband and I did everything we could to help the family with things. The problem is now though he will not call anymore and he has pulled away emotionally. He is saying things to me that I would say are hurtful. I have been trying to keep in touch with him, but now he says we are not compatible. I really want to help him through this very tough time. Do I step back and give him space or what do I do??? I am hoping you can give me some guidance. Thank you.
Sunday, January 28, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, January 14 - January 27, 2024
There is a rising tide of positivity around the new year that can feel difficult for those suffering. Ambitious goals and resolutions can exacerbate discouragement or grief. An alternative approach is to focus on ways to steady and support yourself. How to Approach 2024 if Heavy-Hearted or Grief-Stricken « Psychology Today
Monday, January 22, 2024
Grief and Sexuality
[Reviewed and updated April 9, 2024]
Intimacy doesn't mean sharing nudity, intimacy means sharing vulnerability. ~ Abhijit Naskar
A reader writes: My mother died recently, and although she was older and it happened rather quickly, still it was the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced. Now, three months later, I’m finding it very difficult to become intimate again with my husband. Even being in close proximity to him is difficult for me. It almost scares me. Especially because I want so desperately to know that my mom is watching over me, but I don't want her to see me having sex with my husband! Can you give me some direction on this?Monday, January 15, 2024
When Pet Loss Affects Feelings For Those Remaining
Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learned here. ~ Marianne WilliamsonA reader writes: I had to put my 13 year-old baby Tasha to sleep three days ago. It was so hard. Even my vet and the vet tech cried. It was comforting to know that she was surrounded by love when she went. My problem now is that I have this huge emptiness in my heart and I feel like I can't love my other dogs as much as I used to.
Sunday, January 14, 2024
Understanding and Managing Grief, January 7 - January 13, 2024
When Naomi Judd died by suicide in 2022, after a long struggle with mental illness, her daughter Ashley found her. In this deeply moving, revealing, and insightful conversation Ashley Judd talks about the trauma she has worked hard to face, the grief she now feels, and how her mother’s spirit is still very much alive in her life. Anderson Cooper interviews Ashley Judd: Grief, Love and Naomi « All There Is With Anderson Cooper
Monday, January 8, 2024
In Grief: Surviving A Brother's Fatal Accident
To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~ Clara Ortega