Voices of Experience: Grief and Fear in My Life Today

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by Anne M. Gorman

“Research demonstrates that how we appraise or interpret a situation can influence our physiological response. So one potential option is to shift our mindset. Instead of interpreting the situation as being cut off from others, we can focus on doing this to protect those that we love. When mitigating distressing feelings of loneliness, research has found that mindfulness-based meditation as well as engaging in creative arts and expression may also be effective. We also need to recognize that there are maybe ways that we can still remain socially connected while physically distant. If you are living with others, spend quality time to nurture those relationships. And regardless of our living situation, we can reach out to others, offer support to others. Research demonstrates that perceptions of availability of support, so knowing that you can count on others, can help even if no support is received.”  

— Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Brigham Young University

Day 186 in Isolation

I am only one during this time and I am feeling more fear than I did when I first began this pandemic isolation. We are social beings and living in isolation is troubling. I learned over these past eight plus years to accept the grief of losing my husband of forty years in marriage. I experienced fear but not as I do today. Today I have little contact with other humans. When my spouse died, I could sit with someone and share my concerns. I was not so all alone as I am now.

I am trying to write about my fear. I do not know yet what this fear is teaching me.

There are times I freeze in place about my fear like I did in my early grief. Since I cannot sit and talk with someone right now all I have is my writing. I believe this life I have now will last for my lifetime and I don’t know how to accept the fear that takes over my body. I can’t imagine living in this self-isolation for much longer. How do I not turn away? The number of deaths to COVID 19 are beyond my comprehension. How do we collectively grieve or handle our fear if we are in self-isolation? To TeleTalk with my doctors, FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom with family or friends are all good, but we are still isolated.

Journaling about my fear brings it out of the dark. I hope that by sharing my fears I can deal with this isolation. I’m not too optimistic about that right now.

What seems to help me right now is to share online. Music gets me through many days of fear. I do not seem to focus right now when reading but I do still color. Coloring is sometimes my meditation for the day.

Today it has been six months. I am slowly learning to breathe a little better. My immediate family is still safe and those closest to me are safe. I have been touched by this pandemic with a death in the family and sickness of close friends that resulted in death. I pray that it ends soon.

© 2020 by Anne M. Gorman 

dgorman15@cox.net

Also by Anne Gorman:

• How Grief Can Affect Your Health
• Looking Back
• My Self-Care Basket for 2019
• Reflections for a Grieving Heart

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Related: 

• Bereavement and Grief: Adult Coloring Book and Grief Work Journal
• Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times
• How to Deal With Isolation While Grieving
• Using Music to Help with Grief 
• Writing As A Healing Tool in Grief

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH