In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?"

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[Reviewed and updated October 30, 2020]

Please see me through my tears.  ~ Fernando Alvarez

A reader writes: I work in a hospital and worked with hospice long ago but now I am on the other side of the fence. It is so very hard. Currently my partner is a patient in the hospital where I work. We are trying to gain control of his pain. The hardest part is not being able to fix this. I am pretty good at fixing things but I can't fix this. He is only 39. I know people much younger have suffered....but he's only 39. People always ask, how are you doing? I really dislike that question. Most of the time I say fine...but that is a lie. Now I say "I say I'm fine but, you know." I just really wish people wouldn't ask...it breaks my heart...and as I say, this is my hospital, so I know they truly care.

Caregiving and Hospice, October 20 - October 26, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What's the Difference Between Alzheimer's and Dementia? http://j.mp/1hiyo1C « Alzheimer's Reading Room

21 Days of Gratitude: A free meditation program beginning November 4, 2013 « http://j.mp/18okAea « Pinterest

The Fifth Season: A Daughter-in-Law's Memoir of Caregiving, book review by Paula Span,  http://j.mp/1anizla « New York Times

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 20 - October 26, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Thomas Lynch on Cremation, Accessories and the Good Funeral, http://j.mp/1g0RUAP  « A Good Goodbye with Gail Rubin

Wake up! It’s Day of the Dead,  http://j.mp/1ajxSvs « Navigating Grief

Widow chokes and dies while writing widow blog, http://j.mp/1dtiUIj « Widow's Voice

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

[Reviewed and updated September 29, 2024]

Ultimately it is [the] identification, validation, and exploration of their pattern of grief or adaptive grieving styles that grieving individuals will find empowering and that will allow them to deal with that loss on their own terms, with their own unique strengths. ~ Kenneth J. Doka, PhD

In their book Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, professors Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin challenge the notion that everyone experiences grief and mourning in exactly the same way, regardless of gender. The authors suggest instead that differing personality patterns will affect how each person individually expresses, experiences and deals with grief.

It’s really not surprising to learn that men and women are different from each other, not just in personality patterns that affect how they think, feel and behave, but also in how they mourn. It follows, then, that when someone dies, men and women will not experience or express their reactions in the same way.

Caregiving and Hospice, October 13 - October 19, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

How To Visit a Friend or Acquaintance With Dementia, http://j.mp/GVu5vb « Alzheimer's Reading Room

Whoopi Knows About LBD. Do You? http://j.mp/1aw5mVI « Lewy Body Dementia Association

Important! When palliative care is no longer enough service, http://j.mp/19QtdAU « Caring with Confidence

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 13 - October 19, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Walking Through Grief Video: I'm Grieving, Now What? http://j.mp/1aw9jtF « The Grief Toolbox

Well worth reading! Friday Favorites: Articles about grief, http://j.mp/H5Qp5V « What's Your Grief?

Outstanding! I Am Alone. I Am With You, http://j.mp/19PL3np « Widow's Voice

Coping with Pet Loss, October 13 - October 19, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Does the Grief over Losing a Beloved Cat Ever Really Go Away? http://j.mp/1i2o8s3 « Catster

Dear Abby: Only time can truly heal the pain of pet loss, http://j.mp/1gOCNco « Yahoo! News

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt, http://j.mp/174DZH9 « Veterinary Wisdom Professionals

Voices of Experience: The Voice On The Answering Machine

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. ~ Unknown

Linda Campanella lost her mother to cancer in September 2009. As a grieving daughter, she turned to writing as a way of coming to terms with her loss, never expecting that this cathartic expression of her grief would become an award-winning memoir. Her book When All That’s Left of Me Is Love is an intimate and inspiring story, filled with hope, joy, comfort for aching hearts, and lessons for how to live and love with no regrets. Four years after her mother’s death, Linda is still writing, still coming to terms with the permanence of her loss, and still yearning to feel her mother’s presence in her life. In the poignant piece she shares with us below, we are reminded that grief and letting go are journeys, not destinations.

Caregiving and Hospice, September 29 - October 12, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream:

Ira Byock, MD: Illness is Personal! http://j.mp/19zfY9s « Palliative in Practice

A physician writes An Open Letter to Cancer Patients Everywhere, http://j.mp/19qmr4x « Ann Arbor News

Hospice Voices, http://j.mp/16VDEqk « Huffington Post

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 29 - October 12, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream:

The 4 Letter Word That Leads You Astray (And What to Do About It), http://j.mp/1gzhE5T « Huffington Post

Friday Favorites: Articles about Grief, http://j.mp/19uMLwn  What's Your Grief?

Lou LaGrand: Little Things to Do In Adapting to the Death of Your Loved One, http://j.mp/1attAkP « Ezine Articles

Coping with Pet Loss, September 29 - October 12, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream:

Dogs Are People, Too, http://j.mp/15oi0YB « New York Times

When a Friend Loses a Pet – 7 Meaningful Do's and Don’ts, http://j.mp/GNDrcN « Bunny's Blog

On the Loss of Oscar, http://j.mp/1aS1OiE « Grief Helps

Recognizing Your Own Progress through Grief

[Updated May 28, 2023]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. ~ Lao Tzu

We often speak of grief as a journey ~ but as you go from one day to the next, how do you know you're moving forward  ~ much less where you're going ~ and how will you know when you've reached your destination?

Change isn't always obvious and dramatic; grieving is a process that takes place over time. The grief experience is different for everyone; it doesn't happen all at once or at the same rate of speed. Unless you're aware of the clues to healing and their significance, your progress through grief may be so subtle and so gradual that you will not notice it at all.