tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.comments2023-06-27T07:12:47.910-04:00Grief HealingMarty Tousley, RN, MS, FThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05517952534831180171noreply@blogger.comBlogger400125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-60045344138542400122013-06-16T23:06:28.731-04:002013-06-16T23:06:28.731-04:00Outstanding, Nancy! Thanks so much for sharing! ♥Outstanding, Nancy! Thanks so much for sharing! ♥martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-20552297530278981032013-06-16T19:45:44.581-04:002013-06-16T19:45:44.581-04:00Marty, you inspired me to write a post about memor...Marty, you inspired me to write a post about memory overload in grief and how creating a legacy portrait can bring relief to both the bereaved and those who love them by helping friends and family members find the right words to help us process those "endlessly playing" memories. It can be found on my website, http://artforyoursake.com/category/blog. Best, NGNancy Gershmannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-42613227342947864322013-06-16T08:48:04.167-04:002013-06-16T08:48:04.167-04:00Great list! Getting ready to feature on our Weeke...Great list! Getting ready to feature on our Weekend Edition post, since I was not in a place to put together a constructive Father's Day post!! :) Thanks, as always, for the great conent!Litsa Williamsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-50918845842145505882013-06-07T01:06:44.545-04:002013-06-07T01:06:44.545-04:00Marty: I echo your sentiments about what to say or...Marty: I echo your sentiments about what to say or not to say; really important points you make. Here are some of my ideas for helping.<br /><br /> (Awareness May/June 2010,”Saying Goodbye”)<br />Marian SilvermanMarian Silvermannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-7755690964250472662013-05-31T20:38:51.656-04:002013-05-31T20:38:51.656-04:00Valuable page
http://avloka.comValuable page<br />http://avloka.comHealer Andrzejnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-27370191205703604572013-05-30T10:35:29.995-04:002013-05-30T10:35:29.995-04:00Thanks Marty, you are so right and I think being a...Thanks Marty, you are so right and I think being able to decide to get up means you've made it through yet another night, a small thing perhaps, but a big sign that you'll also make it through grief's night.Doug Spurlinghttp://www.facebook.com/doug.spurling.33noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-65108702380768609792013-05-30T10:25:42.252-04:002013-05-30T10:25:42.252-04:00Thank you, Doug, for that sage advice: "Do th...Thank you, Doug, for that sage advice: "Do the next thing." Exactly. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, it's as simple as deciding to get out of bed in the morning. ♥martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-83252671293172728992013-05-30T08:01:47.284-04:002013-05-30T08:01:47.284-04:00Reading your comment my thoughts were, "this ...Reading your comment my thoughts were, "this is good," you have your 'want-to' back. You want to go on--you want to accomplish goals. Now, the problem is the ball and chain sluggishness of grief, the painful brightness of life after walking through such dark. This is a sign of your progress, your healing. Now, even tired do the next thing. My advice is simply four words. Do the next thing. Look at the goal and take one small step in that direction. **please forgive me if this posted twice**Doug Spurlingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-23269011387452779992013-05-30T07:56:18.395-04:002013-05-30T07:56:18.395-04:00Reading your comment my thoughts were, "this ...Reading your comment my thoughts were, "this is good," you have your 'want-to' back. You want to go on--you want to accomplish goals. Now, the problem is the ball and chain sluggishness of grief, the painful brightness of life after walking through such dark. This is a sign of your progress, your healing. Now, even tired do the next thing. My advice is simply four words. Do the next thing. Look at the goal and take one small step in that direction.Doug Spurlingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-57623109670039220782013-05-24T13:41:03.130-04:002013-05-24T13:41:03.130-04:00Excellent points, Halina, and I thank you for shar...Excellent points, Halina, and I thank you for sharing them! As you say, sometimes what is needed is nothing but rest, and a lot more of it than we may realize. (The total exhaustion that accompanies significant loss is a topic addressed quite nicely in the two articles by Dr. Rob Gordon, listed above under "Related Articles.") ♥martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-54207826903391258832013-05-24T13:06:41.104-04:002013-05-24T13:06:41.104-04:00Thank you for mentioning the books about transitio...Thank you for mentioning the books about transition - I will definitely want to explore them.<br /><br />With regards to the original question: In my experience from working with clients moving through transition, underneath the neutral feeling there is are layers upon layers of deep processes taking place, processes that are not under our conscious control and definitely need to be respected and being taken care of. Sometimes in the form of retrospection (such as the wonderful suggestions above) sometimes in the form of nothing but rest, rest, rest. <br /><br /><br />When we're really ready to move on, the drive shows up without pushing, from within, as a natural expression of energy that flows freely again. It's worth waiting for - and it cannot be forced by will.Halina Goldsteinhttp://halinagoldstein.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-17470958289949662672013-05-22T01:29:55.106-04:002013-05-22T01:29:55.106-04:00You can choose to buy a gift basket and have it se...You can choose to buy a gift basket and have it sent to your grieving acquaintance or relative or put one together yourself. There are so many options for you to choose from.sympathy fruit basketshttp://www.giftbasket.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-80650843033561450682013-05-20T22:37:47.893-04:002013-05-20T22:37:47.893-04:00I loved this article, lost my appetite, couldn'...I loved this article, lost my appetite, couldn't sleep--except when I shouldn't be sleeping, felt anxious, panicky, restless, and then exhausted for months and months. Beginning nearly 6 mos out to finally feel a little better. I like the part about human contact and self care. So important to not follow that weird instinct to isolate. Thanks for sharing. xxKaren Haines Storchhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1295929957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-40792744296586607562013-05-13T13:10:05.043-04:002013-05-13T13:10:05.043-04:00I so admire your willingness to find meaning in th...I so admire your willingness to find meaning in this experience, Elaine, and to see it as an opportunity for awareness, learning and growth. Clearly you are leading a self-examined life, and for that, you have my deepest admiration and respect. ♥martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-65206544225771018512013-05-13T12:38:15.239-04:002013-05-13T12:38:15.239-04:00Thanks for your reply, Marty. Looking back on this...Thanks for your reply, Marty. Looking back on this experience of four years ago, I see the violent dog as an expression of my own wild uncontrolled grief--not that I caused her to be violent or she caused my grief, but that her presence in my life made me face something hard and unsettling about myself.Elaine Mansfieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-38120988163006832302013-05-13T12:03:56.818-04:002013-05-13T12:03:56.818-04:00Elaine, I cannot thank you enough for taking the t...Elaine, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share your experience with all of us. Animal lover that you are, I can only imagine how difficult this decision must have been for you, especially at a time when you were coping with the recent death of your husband and needing peace in your home. Sometimes the hardest choices in life are the most painful ~ but good for you for having the wisdom and the courage to recognize the importance of attending to your own needs first ~ most especially when you were in the freshest throes of grief.martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-42794783144437334672013-05-13T11:18:08.447-04:002013-05-13T11:18:08.447-04:00Thanks for this article, Marty. I adopted a second...Thanks for this article, Marty. I adopted a second dog about 8 months after my husband died, wanting to fall in love with life again. The dog was in a shelter and had not been fostered. The people caring for the dog assured me she was sweet and dependable. I took my older dog to spend time with her as well as my son. All seemed fine. But when I got the dog home and began teaching her about living out of a cage, she was violent--extremely alarmingly violent, turning on my other dog and bloodying her many times. I worked with the best animal behaviorists, trainers, and my vets and gave the dog all the time and love I could for 3 months, but she was too damaged. My vet impressed on me that the dog would kill a child or other dogs if she got loose--and she wanted to escape. But he could not manage world out of a cage, so that's probably where she'd been raised and probably abused or trained to fight when out of the cage. The only way was to cage the dog for life or euthanize her as the dog was not adoptable or trainable and might turn on me.<br /><br />I waited a while, hoping for a little sign that I could save her, but finally agreed that she was ruining my life and terrorizing my older dog. So I agreed to have her put down. I felt like a total failure. A few months later, I adopted an 8 week old Lab. I'd always had Lab pups and knew I could count on her temperament. My old dog Daisy accepted the new pup and young Willow became the light of my life, especially after Daisy's death. I learned a hard lesson about my own emotions and sentimentality, so will never again adopt a dog that hasn't been fostered first. I didn't do some of the wild things we do when we're grieving, but I am still sad about this naive mistake. I'm also glad I made the hard choice. And glad I then chose to think first about my own needs rather than the many dogs that need rescuing.Elaine Mansfieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-23503008851148309452013-05-12T05:06:20.256-04:002013-05-12T05:06:20.256-04:00Thank you so much for providing this list or resou...Thank you so much for providing this list or resources! I will share the link to your article with my subscribers. They get the "Peaceful Evenings / Food For The Journey" report addressing the psychological aspects of this - I'm glad you have addressed the more practical aspects of it.Halina Goldsteinhttp://halinagoldstein.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-58483417983832178422013-05-09T10:00:24.388-04:002013-05-09T10:00:24.388-04:00Beautiful. Thank you. My mother died one year befo...Beautiful. Thank you. My mother died one year before my husband, but she had been "gone" a long time with Alzheimer's, so there was some relief in her death. Still, I remember the protection and love when I was a child, tucking myself under her wing as a chick hides under a hen.Elaine Mansfieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-51442175452531242492013-05-02T11:25:12.479-04:002013-05-02T11:25:12.479-04:00You are so welcome, dear Elaine, and thank you for...You are so welcome, dear Elaine, and thank you for enriching this post with details of your own experience! Valued and much appreciated ♥martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-90681476292689067912013-05-02T10:34:04.281-04:002013-05-02T10:34:04.281-04:00I was sure I would move after my husband's dea...I was sure I would move after my husband's death. When he was ill, I couldn't imagine living in our home without him. I wanted to escape from my aching grief. But I waited to make this major decision, and now 5 years later, I'm still living in the home we shared for so many years. The home we created and the familiarity of the land nurtured and healed. It gave me a solid foundation on which to build a new life that included my loss. I don't think leaving would have helped me escape grief. I had to learn to be with it and let it transform me. And now, as it was immediately after his death, my husband's presence is within me more than about my surroundings. Where I go, he is with me. The body is gone. The love remains.<br />Thank you for your wisdom, Marty, and for giving me a chance to consider these ideas again.<br />Elaine http://elainemansfield.com/Elaine Mansfieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-73761988993380587052013-05-01T22:26:44.084-04:002013-05-01T22:26:44.084-04:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Daughter Kaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-69041586446014459562013-04-24T08:45:43.791-04:002013-04-24T08:45:43.791-04:00Blessings to you, Lynne, and thank you! ♥Blessings to you, Lynne, and thank you! ♥martytousleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-28762247052668068232013-04-24T08:35:56.372-04:002013-04-24T08:35:56.372-04:00Marty ~ I've had this conversation several tim...Marty ~ I've had this conversation several times this week. In Illinois, many, many families are dealing with the aftermath of heavy rains. They are dealing with insurance matters, repairs and replacement of belongings due to flooded basements, leaking roofs, etc. We DO make sense of "life" by making comparisons ~ that's human nature ~ so, as we compare, we come to the conclusion that our "woes" don't compare to those facing life-altering, traumatic experiences. The problem is that denying, minimizing or repressing our feelings is terribly unhealthy. It's normal, natural (and, I think, necessary!) to be upset when we face disappointment or loss. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt suggests, mourning (mourning = sharing or "going public" with our grief) is the path to healing. Marty, you address this so well. (I'm sharing!)Lynnenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163377615656061205.post-23430943865837724332013-04-17T05:56:01.300-04:002013-04-17T05:56:01.300-04:00I agree that you will know when "it is time&q...I agree that you will know when "it is time". You will know, inexplicably, when the time comes.Lorraine Regulyhttp://www.facebook.com/lorrainemarieregulynoreply@blogger.com